So the other day Bob came into work and put on some classic rock. It was great; we were all rockin’ out to ‘Love Pump’ and remembering KISS were more than just face paint. Then Bob had a moment of honesty, we saw a brief flash of his inner workings, and caught a momentary glimpse into his strange and wonderful little brain. That deep and meaningful went as follows: he pulled his chair away from his desk slightly, as is his tendency when he has something of importance to say, and spoke softly, “So the other day I downloaded all this classic rock, and got really into it. To the point where I thought, “This is it. This is who I am going to be from now on – the guy who is only into classic rock” but then I wanted to put on some punk to go to sleep to (WTF) and I realised, no I am not that guy. I’m the punk guy”.
After I’d laughed so hard my face ached, I realised Bob had actually hit on something pretty universal. The need to align ourselves with a band, or way of dressing, to proclaim our undying connection to a football team or even a fucking type of computer (I’m a PC) is something that happens to all of us. I think it’s more prevalent in our teens – the first genre of music you get into is the one that you probably stick with for the rest of your imusic idays. (So make sure you play your kids the good shit). It’s also how other people relate to each other, “You know – Trevor the one who always wears a massive mexican hat, NO MATTER WHAT”, and therefore it can be really unsettling when your friends, or boyfriend/girlfriend suddenly change their minds about the nice, comforting tags you associate them with. In short, Jeremy please keep wearing the colourful patterned socks.
However, if you are still rifling through that identity pencil case, trying to find an HB that sits well in your knotted little fist (hopefully not one of those spacco ones, with the special triangle rubber support thing), we’re here to help. Below is a list of identity possibilities you might not have considered, but would definitely make you stand out from the pack.
Wearing headgear
A girl at my School wore her orthadontic headgear to classes. At first everyone was all OMG, WTF, SRSLY, UA* but then she started jazzing it up, changing the colours of the plastic straps, winding tinsel around the metal at Christmas, and one day even wrapping her whole body in barbed wire “to complete the look”. OK, she didn’t do that, but she might as well have, because that chick was banging. After about 6 months she didn’t have to wear it anymore, which was actually quite sad, as we saw her face without it’s metallic cage and remembered she wasn’t a skittles-coloured robot. She never had trouble with boys from then on, and I think it was mainly to do with the fact she’d really owned those braces. (“Owned” as in, she’d made it look good, not “owned” as in they were her property and not someone else’s. Although obviously the fact she was wearing dentistry gear that was specially designed for her probably did help in terms of gnasher correction**).
*Unrelated acronym
**Unrelated tangent
Wearing pajamas everywhere
As the picture below demonstrates, I fucking love nightwear. Always have, always will. I like the cosy pajamas, all-in-one romper suits, mismatched checked trousers with big soft T-shirts, and weird lacy stuff from the 50’s. Even Victorian nightgowns make me get so excited that I could doze off right here, right now. I think it’s mainly because I love sleep. Obviously everyone likes sleep, needs it, and enjoys it, but I love it. I could fall asleep anywhere - I’ve even napped on my bathroom floor several times, the scent of freshly washed towels acting like Nytol. So I know I am probably slightly biased about this, but trust me, pajamas are the shit. Find a good set, hopefully colourful and covered in pictures of elves or something, and wear them out.
Only turn to the right
Remember in Zoolander where his main failing as a model is that he can’t turn left? I mean yeah, ha ha, you laugh but come on - I think that’s the coolest thing in the whole entire world and I know that everyone IN the whole entire world would feel exactly the same way if they just took one second to really THINK it about rather than living their normal LIVES and getting on BUSES and eating TACOS on WEDNESDAYS and sometimes also on FRIDAYS if they get drunk after WORK. Please someone become the person who can’t turn left, it would make you the coolest, craziest kid ever to navigate the streets. Your nickname could be Rechts, which is German for right - I only say that because for some reason all I remember from School is “Wie komme Ich am besten zum Bahnhoff bitte?”
“Rechts”.
Have no identity
“You know Marcus? Yeah you do, of course you do - he has absolutely no identity”. This one is pretty self explanatory, and pretty easy…Or is it? Actually managing to have no affiliations whatsoever with anything or anyone, and then being able to sustain that while still living your life would basically become a full time occupation. Plus the very fact you are trying so hard to live without any identity, actually gives you an identity, thus negating all your hard work. So, nigh on impossible, but well worth your efforts. Just don’t make it look like you’re making an effort - no one wants to be the ‘effort’ guy.
NO IMAGE/VIDEO TO AFFILIATE WITH THIS.
Become obsessed with a crap actor
It has to be someone moderately well known, but incredibly inconsequential. Possibilities include…Fred Savage who used to be in Wonder Years, Leanna Creel who was in a later series of Saved by The Bell, and now is a wedding photographer, or Matthew Lillard - the “funny” guy who was in Scream and blah blah blah. You need to become an uber fan to the nth degree, quoting completely inappropriate and unfunny sentences from the scripts of crap films they’ve been in, e.g. “I like this table”, “Here let me give you my phone number”, and “No, put it there”. Do it around your friends as much as possible, and always laugh hysterically afterwards. You should also wear lame t-shirts that you’ve made yourself, with a pixelated image of their face, and get really angry when people talk about films or actors, damning everyone to hell for not recognising that the industry is completely corrupted, hence why the object of your affection has never made the big leagues. Also just be a pretentious wanker towards anyone who hasn’t heard of them, “So let me get this right, you’ve never seen ‘Dead Man’s Curve/Episode 3 Series 2 of Saved by The Bell? OKAAAAY”
This video made me feel a bit weird.
But not as weird as the comment underneath it from prairiebarn:
OMG!!
I almost met matthew last year!! We could not get through to new jersey it was closed!! Missed convention with him!!!AHHHH!! Matthew PLEASE come back to NY!! My son wanted to meat ya!! your sooo shagalicious sweetie!! If ya see this ya Rock!!
Imagine her kid finding that in 6 years time.
Anyway, there you go. A few other identity possibilities include: listening to pan pipe covers of nirvana (NOT NEVERMIND), doing voices like the guy from Police Academy, and sleeping with your head at the wrong end of the bed.