You think you’re hot but you’re not

So last night I was trawling through BLOG SPACE and came across the ramblings of this incredible girl, who had dedicated about 500 hours a week to seeking revenge on any boy who had ever; turned her down; turned away; or turned the volume up on the radio when she started shouting. I couldn’t help but relate, it woke a part of me I had forgotten.  I admired her half hearted attempts to hide the bitterness that males didn’t pay her more attention, saying things such as, “whatever, I don’t need your validation Zac Efron, I am my own person, and soooooo much better than your lame girlfriend”.

Amazing.

What can I say?  She charmed me.  I fell in love with her pretty quickly, as it seems did one nice boy since  in later posts it becomes clear she now has a boyfriend WHO VALIDATES HER.  She inspired me, so here is my own actor/celebrity tirade.  Because, you know what?  Zac Efron never validates me either and I am getting REALLY FUCKING SICK OF IT.

(If you are a celebrity and would like to validate her send me an email and I’ll give you a link, she’s got about 3′000 followers on twitter though, so I think she’s doing OK).

Chad Michael Murray – Dawson’s Creek/One Tree Hill

What. Is with. This guy’s.  Hair?  I mean seriously, what is it doing?  Committing suicide off his head?  Standing up so he’ll get more attention?  I can only imagine that every casting director for every film and TV show has hair EXACLTY like this, because surely any normal person confronted with those locks would: 1. Touch it, 2. Scream to God above, “What hath I done to deserve such a terrifying vision of hair deformity?”  But it’s not just his hair, we’re not superficial - we can get past hair, it’s more his simpering attitude.  It’s the way he always pushes a girl’s fringe away from her forehead, his thick hand bejewelled with silver rings, his sleeve pulled down in some throwback to Jared Leto, then tilts his head and says, “you have no idea how beautiful you are”.  Err…she does.  You’re the kind of AWFUL BASTARD who wouldn’t try and get in the pants of an ugly girl who was just keeping the faith that INTERESTING WINS OUT IN THE END, so trust me, this girl knows exactly how hot she is.  I hate boys who play down that they’re a player, I hate boys who stick one knee out and put one hand in their pocket, looking up at you with puppy dog eyes as if to say, “god I am just so good looking and sweet natured but I don’t even know it, isn’t that completely adorable?”  Fuck. Off. (Why don’t you love me why why why)  He also speaks really quietly, which would irritate me no end.  However he’s not as bad as Dawson with his blow dried curls and crying face.

The entire cast of hollyoaks.

I watched the first ever episode of this, and decided then and there, my chubby hand placed on my cold black heart, that I would never again subject myself to this weird batch of utter trolliping crap.  I can’t begin to explain the horror of my youth as every boy I ever liked mentioned Izzy’s ample chest, or Jodi Albert’s weird little ski-slope nose.  There’s nothing worse than being compared to some model that ‘acts’ when you’re only into wearing black and are hoping with all your heart that INTERESTING WINS OUT IN THE END.  Mum says it does.  (Dad says it doesn’t).  The worst part was that it was on three times a week at first, then everyday, then every bloody Sunday morning.  I wouldn’t mind being subjected to six hours of mini-skirted boobs a week if it was actually a good programme, but it’s not.  And sure I could just not watch it…but then what would I have to complain about?  Well I say that, but actually the episode in which a man raped that douchebag boy with the curly hair was bloody brilliant.  For the record the boys are also pretty ugly – pedalling again the idea that boys don’t have to be good looking to get hot girls.  They  don’t, they have to be really really rich.  AND MEAN.

In all seriousness, this website freaks me out.

Ed Westwick

I can’t believe a few of you aren’t with me on this.  I can’t believe that bunch of you just went “no WAY” (yeah I heard you) on seeing his hood-eyed little face amongst this page of non-hot hotties.  There are few things I am sure of in life – my mum loves me, Mark is obsessed with Hot Chip, and if I close my eyes and wish hard enough, INTERESTING WILL WIN OUT IN THE END (btw I am genuinely crying now as I write this and going through all the photos of every boy who ever said, “leave me alone you mental weirdo” BASTARDS).   But of all the certainties that make my days feel a bit moe stable, there are none I am more sure of than that Chuck Bass is as attractive as an old man in soiled pajamas and a werthers original stuck to his cheek, which he tries to get you to lick off by lisping, “give one to granddad child”.  Eww.  Here is my argument, laid out in succinct and well thought out points.  Please take the time to read and consider them carefully.

Actually, I think that says it all.

Robert Pattison

I have something to admit/brag about.  In my School days I actually knew Rob Pattison (oh goodness how did that get in here?!), he was a rather weird youth who was friends with a girl in my year.  We used to make short films together, and one time he played the part of my imaginary boyfriend (how ironic).  When it was time for me to write my own script and cast his part I decided to go for a subtly nuanced piece of cinema, exploring the different types of courtship for modern youths, and the obsessions that easily develop over a short space of time.  It was called ‘Oblongs and Three-Sided Shapes: INTERESTING WINS OUT IN THE END’.  Rob came to the casting (at Starbucks over a caramel frappucino) and put in quite a good performance.  Not amazing, but quite good.  I didn’t really feel like he’d owned his emotions, you know?  He then admitted he hadn’t actually read my script (I CAN’T WORK UNDER THESE CONDITIONS) and so he did that while I asked for more cream and caramel sauce on my iced beverage.  I returned to the table, “Hey this is great!” “Yes I know, thank you” (in this dramatisation the part of me is played by comic book guy) “You know what we should do at the end though?  Turn it into a big massive orgy with everyone just getting off with each other”.  Silence. “I do not think you really get my intention with this piece of theatrical cinema.  I feel that working with you would be a compromise of my artistic integrity”.

Hold up.

HOLD UP.  This bitterness and jealousy has consumed me.

I’m a fucking idiot.  That was a brilliant idea, what’s wrong with me?  It would have been funny, hot, starring Robert Pattison (instead of giving him ‘lights’ to do or something), and would have shown that INTERESTING WINS OUT IN THE END.

God, I am such a freaking moron. Bye x