After putting about a zillion videos on YouTube, College Humor, and Funny or Die, I decided it was time to amalgamate the fuckers into one big gigantic movie. I thread it together with this intersticial about a nostalgic, young guy watching all his old videos because his wife is pregnant and his life is over. Then an older version of the guy (me) comes downstairs and we fight. The old guy then shows the videos he did with his kids to prove having kids is not the death of laughs. Then some more fights and the young guy comes back to argue.
Anyhosers, during the movie there’s a magic trick where it looks like I’m blowing it but I pull a card out of my ass at the last second. On the way to the shoot I didn’t tell the crew I had a card in my ass and they kept asking me what was wrong. “Why are you so grumpy?” they’d ask. “That’s a trip,” I thought. Having something up your ass really DOES make you grumpy and that “What’s up your ass?” thing is valid. What else is true? Throwing a wiener down a hallway? Making a stitch in time? I’m not sure if this is said up in Old Blighty but where I grew up it wasn’t unusual to ask a grumpy person, “Who pissed in your Corn Flakes?” I decided to follow up the magic trick with some footage of me drinking a bowl of pissed-soaked Corn Flakes.
The first thing you notice about biting into a crunchy bowl of piss cereal is how acidic it is, especially when it’s your first piss of the evening. It felt like bleach around my tongue and burned for hours after. When we watched the footage later we decided it was simply too gross to include. I milk my fucking foreskin forever and the shot ends up taking over the entire 1.5 hour DVD. It was like when you use a bit of black in a painting and then that’s all you can see (or you elect one for president). Also, the last video in the first section of the DVD is called “Are Women as Horny as Men” and it involves a lot of balls-out nudity (see censored version below). This totally lost it’s umph after being upstaged by the earlier piss gag.
So we junked it. On the DVD you just see a tenth of a dink and the cereal thing and we move on. That bummed me out because it was a fucking horrible thing to go through and to lose it felt wrong.
When I was nominated for Hipster of the Decade however, my blog editor Arvind and I came up with a plan. Pretend the cereal hadn’t been eaten yet and present it as a challenge to the readers. We’d get to show the footage and it would look like the culmination of some huge elaborate trick. People who had already seen the DVD would realize it was a prank but it’s good to have a wink with people who got in there early. It’s one of the benefits of being part of the inner-circle.
Everyone believed I had been duped into drinking my piss and the whole thing was a huge ball of laughs that ended up selling a ton of DVDs. The moral of the story? Don’t let anything go to waste. All the world’s a stage. One man’s garbage is another man’s treasure. Pissing in Corn Flakes doesn’t make you grumpy. It makes you puke.
If you’d like to see this and about 50 other “hilarious and terrifying” videos (-New York Magazine) please buy Gavin McInnes is a Fucking Asshole. It’s in American format so you’ll need a multi-region DVD player if you want to watch it on something other than your computer.
You can get it here for £10. Here’s the ad for it…