Evan Kenney has betrayed his pasty Boston-Irish complexion and called bullshit on the Anglo-Saxons…
Death Cab For Cutie
White people are very capable of creating some really horrible music if you give them the chance. Death Cab For Cutie is a prime example of one of a trillion groups of cracker-ass motherfuckers who sing songs about lattes and missing their daughter’s dance recital (at least this is what I would imagine their songs would be about.) At some point, after white people stole rock n’ roll from black people, we decided to make it less threatening, added a huge dash of blasé into the mix, and recorded these shitty versions to make them perfectly suitable for Hyundai Elantra commercials. Thank the devil that we white people have rebels like Jon Spencer & Ian Svenonious as our saving graces; two delicious white boy apples in an otherwise shitty musical bunch.
The “Black Don’t Crack” Rule Does Not Apply (Obviously)
Fuck, dude. I am all for aging gracefully, but I am not even out of my 20’s and my face looks like Johnny Bench’s catcher’s mitt all while I am rocking the physique of an alcoholic Porky Pig. However, have you seen Denzel Washington lately? Holy shit! This motherfucker is almost 60 and would be on any girl I know’s “celebs I would ravage with my mouth and vagina” list. Black people, especially men, look fucking GREAT when they get older, while us white dudes go the route of Lou Reed, Eric Burdon, and Mick Taylor. In summation, black men are forever handsome and old white men eventually all look like Bea Arthur from The Golden Girls. Get laid while you can, honkies.
White People Can’t Dance
Have you ever seen somebody step on a skateboard for the first time? That is what white people look like when they dance. If you can bear it, here is more proof.
Black Women Won’t Fuck You
Have you ever jumped out of a plane with no parachute and survived? That likelihood is equivalent to a white dude scoring a fine-ass black woman. Black women know better, besides being the finest and most enjoyable specimens in the galaxy, they are also hip to the fact that getting down with a no-rhythm-havin’, Owl City-listen’, pumpkin spice latte-drinkin’, pan seared tuna-eatin’, Toyota Prius-drivin’, segway ridin’ white devil is low on her totem pole of desired dick. Get over yourself, playa…better try for the Asian chicks.
We Can’t Rap
Eminem sucks and so do these dudes. Rap music is not made for us. (Unless you are The Beastie Boys)
Soul
In summation, we don’t got it. Sorry for the news flash. White people have taken over countries, built bridges and sailed the seven seas. We’ve invented the telephone and walked on the moon, but no matter what we accomplish, we are destined to be forever awkward and bland. The brothas got soul, all we got is NASCAR. Welcome to Bummer City, Buckra.