Pic by Matthew Stone

Hey Platform readers! I’m Karley, your new blogger or columnist or wasted rambler or whatever it is you call this shit. For a couple of years I’ve been writing a blog called Slutever, where I basically just write about all the losers, prostitutes, drug addicts and shamans that I live with down in our south London squat, and the ins and outs of their pathetic and beautiful lives. But like, don’t lump me in with those assholes. Think of me as a pillar of normalcy drowning in a sea of freaks.

You see, I grew up in a small town in upstate New York. It’s the sort of place where casual racism is the norm, Jesus is the main topic of conversation, and the general idea of “fun” is getting wasted on cough syrup and passing out in an apple orchard. Basically it was hella shit, so when I graduated high school I fucked off and ran away to London with no money and no real plan other than to get super wasted, make some friends with funny accents, and fuck loads of dudes with this so-called bizarre and mysterious added flap of skin on their dicks (commonly referred to as “foreskin”).

Five years later and my life hasn’t really progressed. I’m still living in a gross, abandoned building with no heating or hot water. I’m still poor. And I still have no great “plan.” Not to mention my boyfriend of four years recently broke up with me to become gay (that’s just a guess, but an educated one at that), and as of late my radical Christian parents have started pretending I don’t exist. Ugh, my life is in shambles.

So that’s me introducing myself. And if I’m being honest, I can’t really think of a reason why you should follow this whole column thing. I mean, I’ve got absolutely nothing to offer you. I’m just a degenerate, TV-obsessed sex addict with a penchant for gay porn and eating out of garbage bins. But, like, I guess I know a thing or two about life or whatever. Like for one—the best way to make a guy fall in love with you is to give them head on the first date. Two—jerking-off in the morning is more productive than doing it at night because it helps to get your brain thingys working. And three or four or whatever number we’re at now… is, uh… well, I can’t think of one at the moment but I’m sure something will come to me soon.

Tune in on Thursday for my first blog in which I’ll probably write about sex or drugs or life or something else equally as deep.