If you haven’t heard Vybz Kartel’s ode to iconic British shoe manufacturer and retailer Clarks then where the fuck have you been? Shit, even art school hoes originally from villages in Gloucestershire who only listen to bands from New Cross are posting the video on Facebook.

It’s difficult to know where to begin when explaining the sudden emphasis on smart attire from Vybz Kartel. After all, this is the same man that styled himself on the war torn child soldier look of swimming trunks, tuxedo shoes and a Celine Dion concert tee for most of his career. Although there have been some strong rumours circulating on the Internet that it’s all to do with his new obession with fashion blogs, sources close to Vybz say that his favourite is blog ‘Style Rookie’.  Apparently he just loves Tavi Gevinson’s sharp and curious eye for mixing vintage with new designer pieces. There’s even been some murmurs that Vybz Kartel is working on a tumblr.

Although Robert Foster of Platform must not have seen the video; as he’s decided to go for a bare feet with gym shorts look today (As Vybz Kartel says: “Real badman nuh model inna shorts). Is it comfortable enough for you over there Bob? Liking the feel of someone else’s desk chair under your gross bare feet Bob? No please make yourself more at home whilst alienating everyone else in the office. He is literally just a dressing gown and a yogurt (read: cum) stain away from actually being at home. (It’s like a hobo broke in and started pretending to work here, I assume that’s how he actually landed this gig.)

If only Vybz was here now, he’d teach Bob on the intricacies on pulling off strong looks, in a blog format, using his favourite films……..

I’ll admit it, the first time I saw Pretty In Pink was actually this week when I downloaded it for research on the basis that ‘Duckie’ (pictured above), played by the guy in Two And A Half Men that’s not Charlie Sheen, apparently rocks some of the strongest looks ever in cinema history. I’m going to re-find whichever episode of TOP 100 [SOMETHING] MOVIES OF ALL TIME (call back) I saw Pretty In Pink in and I’m going to find whichever car-wash cunt was hyping up this faggots dress sense. I’m gonna follow them on twitter and then to link them to this article (it’s post-modern, but by writing this in parentheses it’s even more post-modern and by alluding to the fact it’s even post-modern makes it… my mind just exploded) then send sexually aggressive threats for introducing me to this pitiful character. If you haven’t seen the film then this guy is the epitome of everything that is wrong with a generation of young men these days:

* No balls.
* No dress sense (colour co-ordination isn’t swagger guys).
* Pussy whipped.
* Having deep feelings and shit.
* Enjoying shopping yet still end up looking like clowns.

Even out and out dick riders think the guys a fag. However there was one guy holding it down for the real mandem in Pretty In Pink, and it’s super fox James Spader (before he fell off and start looking like an old dyke) putting in solid work as supposed villain of the piece ‘Steff’. They even tried to emasculate my boy by giving him the name of a chick that used to live in College Park near Harlesden who gave out handjobs for Marlboro Lights (shout-out to Norf Weezy) but even that couldn’t dilute this bad muthafuckas coolness. If ever you wanted scientific proof that smoking is actually really fucking cool then look no further:

A wise man once told me “try-hards like Liam Gallagher just don’t understand that true arrogant swag is all about nonchalance”, just look at how Spader is leaning all over the bitches car with no regard for other peoples property whilst rocking soft pastel tones so hard that it’s made every woman in the 300 yard vicinity instantly pregnant. If Pretty In Pink was a million times more honest and a million times shorter she’d end up drunkenly blowing everyone, apart from Duckie because he’s obviously a deviant battyman trying to promote his unnatural homo agenda.

If you’ve never bothered watching Oliver Stone’s 1987 epic meh-fest Wall Street then you, like me, probably think Oliver Stone is the most overrated director since Quentin “Copy & Paste = Homage” Tarantino. Has anyone actually stopped wanking over Natural Born Killers and actually watched it? The only shocking thing about the film is actually how poor it is (Baise Moi anyone?). However before Mad Men and before Don Draper came along men all over the world only had one man to look up to for that only-seen-in-suits swagger, that man was Gordon Gekko. A man hated on by everyone with no cheese, no deals and no G’s, no wheels, no keys, no boats, no snowmobiles and no ski’s.

 

Who do you think taught you to pull off shirts with contrasting collars, who you think taught you about getting them dollars? Nowadays everybody wanna talk about Don Draper, but nothing comes out when they move they lips, just a buncha gibberish, muthafuckas act like they forgot about Gordon Gekko’s paper.

If you’ve yet to see The Untouchables and you’re anything like me, then let me warn you now, you’ll become fucking obsessed with Sean Connery’s  ‘accent’ throughout the film, it’s up there in the Bad Accents Hall Of Fame with the likes Don Cheadle’s attempt at British, just about anything with Keanu Reeves (seriously check his IMDB page, who keeps employing this guy?) and Dick Van Dyke’s cockney.

By the way if you haven’t seen the film, Sean Connery’s character is meant to be Irish…. seriously are you even fucking trying Sean? I mean surely he’d never try to use the exact same accent whilst playing a character called Juan Sánchez Villa-Lobos Ramírez…..

…oh. On a side note I’d really love to have been in the room when the decision was made to cast a Frenchman who can’t actually English to play the role of a Scotsman.

Anyway If you can get past Sean Connery making a mockery of the noble art of acting, then you’ll enjoy the range of swagnificent 1920s/30 looks that only old men can wear without looking like you’re trying to be ironic. Just look at Kevin Costner (another actor convicted for a bad accent in his part in Robin Hood) rocking that fedora and leather jacket better than Indiana Jones ever did and it’s all down to layering. Just a tie and a scarf goes a long way sometimes (no Gok Wan).

Bill Drago’s white linen suit in the film is as legendary in cinema as the footage of Rip Torn hitting Norman Mailer in the fucking head with a hammer for a scene for the film Maidestone, by the way Rip Torn tried to smash Norman Mailer’s boat in with a hammer the day after filming had officially ended. Badman antics. Anyway back to a young weirdly attractive Billy Drago and his white linen suit, I guess it’s not so hard to stand out in a sea of blacks and grays but it should come as no surprise to you that Giorgio Armani himself had a hand the costume design. You don’t really see anyone with the courage to go fully white with their linen these days, unless their featured in blogs about old folks.

Remember that really awesome film that had David Caruso, Samuel. L Jackson, Nicolas Cage, Helen Hunt, Stanley Tucci, Ving Rhames, the library cop from Seinfeld and Michael Rapaport (aka the greatest man to ever breathe)? No? Well that’s because they were all in the 1995 long forgotten Kiss Of Death, which if I look into my heart of hearts sucks ass crust for days but I just can’t help but be charmed by a scene where Nicolas Cage is in a tank top doing bench presses ups with a stripper. It’s interesting to see how white linen in The Untouchables was fucking badass but in Kiss Of Death Nicolas Cage’s character Little Junior Brown just looks really really homo. High-waisted white linen trousers and a floral pink shirt is apparently not a good look if you don’t want to look like a sleazy 80s Hollywood producer who gets blow jobs young nubile wannabe actors.

And like all good Hollywood films I’m going to end this with the possibility of a sequel……………………….