Remember those creepy stories your friends used to tell you whilst sat on the lockers at school, sharing a bag of Skips? I’d chortle and mock them at the time, feeling all cool in my non-regulation mini-skirt (slut) but at night, all tucked in trying to drift off into a dreamy world of Richie from 5ive, I’d suddenly remember the stories and do a little poo.
WORDS: LISA BOWMAN
Hypo-active
The first ever one I got told was in Year 7 just as we were headed into the Odeon for a total She’s All That Freddie Prinze Jr totty-fest. One day some poor soul went to the cinema and plonked himself into his seat with his large salted popcorn and super-sized coke (hey fatty), only to feel a little prick in his back. Thinking nothing of it, he settled down for 195 mins of pure cinematic japes (isn’t Schindler’s List a hoot?) only to discover a post-it note at the end saying ‘Welcome to the world of AIDs’. He’d only had an HIV-infected hypodermic needle shoved in his back! I’ve checked my seat ever since, even before High School Musical 3 - you just don’t know what kids are like these days.
Humans Can Lick Too
I heard this gem recently…There was a little girl who used to go to sleep with her dog curled up under the bed. As she was drifting off to slumber-land, she’d hang her hand down so the pooch could give it a comforting little lick (pretty rank). One night she awoke with a start to hear a dripping sound coming from the bathroom. Too scared to go and check, she popped her hand down so the dog could perform his reassuring lick (seriously, who wants to contend with both morning breath and dog’s-breath-hand in the morning?) and drifted back to sleep, but kept waking in the night to hear the same dripping sound. In the morning, she went into the bathroom to find little Fido hanging from the shower rail, skinned and drip-drip-dripping with blood. In the mirror was written (in the dog’s blood - nice touch), ‘Humans can lick too…’. Gross! I completely LOL-ed at the time, but when I went to bed that night I was too scared to remove any part of my body from under the duvet.
Check out the best re-enactment of this on the net:
Clowning Around
This next one is my favourite. And a treat for all those with an irrational fear of clowns (seriously, get over it, they’re just paedos with painted faces, they’re not interested in you anymore). One evening a girl was babysitting for her neighbour’s baby. It kept crying so she popped upstairs to see what the devil was going on. The baby was wailing and gesturing at a large clown doll sat on a rocking chair in the corner. It wouldn’t shut up, so she decided to call the child’s parents. She asked for advice and mentioned the doll. Whilst the baby’s mother (pretty pissed at being interrupted from her wild mushroom risotto I’m sure) was informing her they didn’t have any such doll, the clown started moving (no jokes) so the babysitter grabbed the child and pegged it out of the house. It was only a bloomin’ kiddy-fiddler who’d dressed up and broken in! Scared the bejeezus out of me, but props to the paedophile, 10/10 for creativity.
I could go on, but frankly I’d better stop otherwise it’ll be another bed-wetting, sleepless night tonight and I’ve only just changed my sheets.
For more legends look here and here.
Sleep well kids.
