Listen. Sometimes you have to go where the comments are, and I can’t help but notice that the posts getting 4000 rants, each ten pages long, are the ones that deal with issues a bit more controversial than, “Oooh have you seen that fat woman falling over the chair?” I don’t want to rise to the pressure and start desperately scrabbling for that comment pot of gold, ignoring all else in my mission to get someone to say they’re gonna burn my legs off with a scented candle, but it’s hard when you can see the kind of attention writing something a bit ‘out there’ gets you. What can I say? I’m just a flawed human who wants love.
Anyway. I thought I’d give this whole controversial thing a go, because I don’t want people to start saying, “God Sankey never does anything controversial…(gasp) MAYBE SHE CAN’T”. So bear with me on this one, it’s my first time, and I’ll probably stumble through it like an awkward cellist with plasters on her knees, Cyprus Hill in the background, and when it’s all done I’ll start crying about how no one’s ever known the real me.
Some Countries Are Better Than Other Countries In Some Ways But Other Countries Are Better In Other Ways So Really You Can’t Judge Whole Nations On The Basis Of A Few Generalised Truths
TRUTH BOMB. Japan has the best sushi in the world. There I said it. Sometimes, at places like Marks and Spencer, what they call sushi isn’t actually sushi at all, it’s just fish and rice. IT’S JUST FISH AND BLOODY RICE. However we have crumpets with raspberry jam, and cream tea SO IN YOUR FUCKING FACE JAPAN. Sometimes I see these Japanese girls wondering from posh hotel to posh hotel in central London on the search for afternoon tea, and I look at them and I laugh, and laugh, and laugh. I stand there in the middle of the street in tearful hysterics, then I point at them and say something like, “You’ve got nothing that even remotely resembles scones in Japan, you must feel so stupid right now”. I’m usually wearing my scone T-Shirt and ringing my scone bell. That’s a good Saturday right there. I feel guilty afterwards, but also safe in the knowledge that what I said was true.
Blatantly someone from Japan is going to post a link under this that takes you to the website called ‘Scone Universe: The Best Scones In The World Certified And It’s Based In Tokyo Sucker’, but it’ll be too late. I’m done.
I’ve Had Sex
Arrrgh oh my god what if my Mum reads this!!!11111oneoneoneone
New Drugs Are Really Amazing Especially The Ones That Haven’t Been Tested Over A Long Period Of Time
Plant food is over, my friends were doing that in 1990, when you weren’t even born. Man. Yeah, it makes you feel great for a while, but the comedown sucks and pretty soon you’re chewing your cheeks off and seeing cows giving birth everywhere (Mum I’ve never done drugs I promise). What’s really hitting the drugs spot right now is that musical instrument freshener. You know, the little sachets you get in your clarinet case (other musical instruments are available) which says on the packet “Do not eat”. Obviously that means you’ve got to eat it, and let me tell you (seriously Mum), it is INCREDIBLE (Mum, trust me). You basically feel like you’re an oboe and when you open your mouth to talk you just sort of parp something in perfect pitch. It’s the best feeling in the world. Also it’s completely safe, because they ran tests and found out that it’s just salt that isn’t that posh granulated sea salt, so although it’s not safe for middle class dinner parties, it’s fine for getting messed up with. Whatever, I don’t care about middle class dinner parties, I’m so over them after Gerry and Sandra came round and didn’t compliment the ruddy brie. From now on I’m going to spend my weekends (when I’m not shouting at Japanese girls about scones) in some warehouse in Dalston (probably the Platform one because I feel safe there) licking a bottle of table salt. And there’s nothing anyone can do to stop me.
Here’s Some Pictures Of Tits
GET EM OUT FOR THE LADS
Check out the blue breast on that one.
The one above is from the dirty so-and-so Nick Broome at the West Midlands bird club. I’d tap that!
Flexible…
You know, no one HAS ever known the real me.
Perhaps that’s the most controversial thing of all.
