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6. Angry Commenters
The internet’s most important resource, just after furries and cat macros. Angry commenters are by all accounts, the smartest motherfuckers on the internet. They know more than you about music, the arts, science, mythical lore, anything you could possibly think of, they are smarter and more capable than you will ever be at everything that a person could ever do ever.
You are soooo lucky that they are bothering to read whatever shitty piece of shit you somehow managed to cook up in between scratching your balls and drooling vacantly at your monitor. And luckier still that they took the time from writing their own totally awesome blog that gets like, a million hits an HOUR to bestow upon you and your readers their profoundly intelligent, well thought out opinions and correct your mistakes, not forgetting to add that they are wishing fervently for ‘you and your whole family to die of AIDS’. Most of the time, when I get one of these comments, I imagine some dude wearing a soiled Dragonforce t-shirt, with massive headgear on, his breath coming out in impatient whistles as he furiously types away at his filthy, jizz covered keyboard, berating me for misspelling ‘Aragorn’. <3
7. Girls who are disloyal to their own sex
You never get this with boys….well, actually you do. The ones who insist that they are ‘not like most guys’ (because other guys think they are a douchebag) and they assume playing the sensitive but creepy card will eventually get them some sweet, trusting poontang. But it hardly ever works because those guys just SMELL clingy and the girl (usually) has the good sense to stay the hell away from that mess.
When females try this vaguely desperate angle, however, well…that’s when the social faux pas goes from embarrassing to unforgivable. Hey reader dude! Your female friend who insists she gets along better with guys because girls are ‘too much hassle’? The one who always needs attention all of the time, tee hee hee? The one who has no female friends whatsoever and gets waaaay too into bitching about other women including (most likely) your girlfriend? The one who is kind of a whore? Yeah. 9 times out of ten, ding ding ding ding ding! You’ve got yourself a insecure bitch alert!
Seriously, there’s something very wrong if you can’t relate (or choose not to try) to your own gender. Its only a matter of time before she starts telling people she’s bi and posting pictures of her tits on collegehumor ‘for a laugh’. Having female friends is truly one of the greatest, nicest, funnest things in life.
And yes, girls can be assholes sometimes, but to miss out on gossiping, long phone conversations, shopping, watching movies and drunken nights out and bonding, just so you can pretend to be ‘one of the guys’ and MAYBE have one of ‘the guys’ want to fuck you is pathetic. That’s another reason I hate those girls, no loyalty. To their sex or to any girl misguided enough to confide in them. So you can divulge the secret in between reciting a review for Saints Row 2 you read on Amazon and reminding everyone how much you loooove to give blowjobs. I’m not a super feminist or anything but goddamn I hate these cunts. With a passion.
8. People who live ironically
If you are on this site, chances are you are guilty of occasionally doing things ironically. Whether you’re an upper middle class trust fund baby, guffawing at the genetic underclass, braying for DNA results and child support on Jeremy Kyle, or are currently toting a bag that would not look out of place on the floor of a ‘70 and loving it’ activity group meeting in a Church basement, all of us dabble. Sometimes its amusing, because we are the generation that spawned Nu-Rave and we apparently find that sort of thing hysterically funny.
Its a fine line to walk though. Some people have ironic facial hair, or drive an ironic car or smoke an ironic brand of cigarette (Mayfair, if your allowance per week is more than most low income families make per month). Some people listen to shit music ironically and love to tell others about their ironic obsession with Gina G. People who live ironically are a depressing amalgamation of all these things, the end result being an unfunny douchebag wearing a giant gold chain throwing out racial slurs on a regular basis, with an aesthetic so appallingly stunted that the only things they are able to enjoy sincerely are things designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator of person. Like Shutter Shades. Or NME.
9. Confused homophobes
Whenever I meet people like this I just want to find a stick and jab at them, like they are a circus act and I am a spiteful latchkey kid dealing with issues at home. The last homophobe I met was in the winter of ‘08, a slow witted girl in one of my classes, who vehemently insisted that being gay ‘was a choice’ and that it was ‘against nature’. She rounded up this delightfully ignorant argument by smugly lifting the space where her chin should have been and lisping ‘Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Steve.’ (This same girl also came to bear the child of her cousin’s 34 year old boyfriend, but that is by the by).
When it was pointed out to her that she might do well to just shut the fuck up forever, she looked shocked! That not only did some of us not agree with her, but we were offended by what she had said! Imagine that!
Yeah, sorry, homophobia didn’t magically become acceptable one night, while you were curled up in your Argos polyester sheets.
10. People who go to house parties
9 times out of 10 I would much rather sit at home, watching the Power Rangers Movie and shovelling popcorn into my own gaping maw. If drugs and alcohol are necessary sundries in enduring a night out, I’d prefer not to attend, thanks. The chances of spotting Kris Akabusi and a unicorn, locked hand in hoof, waltzing across Carnaby Street seem far more likely than attending a decent house party nowadays.
WORDS: AMY GREEN
ILLUSTRATIONS: SHAUNA TRANTER