The credit crunch for retards

So, the credit crunch basically started when a load of American banks decided to give loans and mortgages to every crackwhore and ranting crazy with a business suit and a dream. These people clearly could not afford to pay the banks back’¦or they were dead, and the 8 ball and 12 pairs of stripper heels they left behind certainly weren’t going to be enough to cover the repayments. So the banks raised the rates on customers who could pay, until people started losing their houses. Eventually it got to the point where their banks were broke too. And that fucked us over, because we borrow from their banks.

To make it easier, just imagine (playing an American bank) your rich friend, (who you are also fucking, but you’re not dating because neither of you want to put a label on your relationship you’re only 23) got cut off by his parents again because Goldsmiths has a totally retarded ‘no smoking crack on the premises’ policy even though he was actually being ironic. Who are you (the British bank) supposed to borrow money from now? God forbid you get a job. Being a ‘freelance photographer/stylist’ takes up most of your free time. So you ask your parents. And in this scenario, your parents represent the Government.

The Government is basically in the process of bailing out the larger banks, like Natwest and Barclays (the smaller banks like Northern Rock have gone under). And so, because the Government is bailing out the banks, they’ve had to up taxes on everything. That’s why you had to pay £3 more for your high waisted shiny AA leggings and £56 a week more on your rent.

Really though, unless you have kids and a mortgage, the credit crunch probably won’t affect you that much. Maybe you’ll have to choose your club nights a little more carefully, or you won’t be able to go nuts in Primark every week, but you won’t die.

And that’s the credit crunch in a nutshell.

WORDS: Amy Green - www.interpolgroupieswearblack.wordpress.com

ILLUSTRATION: Jake MacGowan - www.feedingtimejakemcgowan.blogspot.com

oluhiogbvkljg

just one thing, 23 is not too young for a relationship. you should be married by 28 otherwise you look pathetic.

chillin

oh, and also, nothing costs more. If prices go up, like for rent or leggings, that's called 'inflation'. That hasn't happened. The opposite happened. Recessions dont hurt because prices go up, they hurt because profits go down and people lose jobs or get wage cuts. God you are retarded. That dude spent at least like 20 minutes drawing that picture you could have at least googled around a bit before writing this.

bishopdante

What has happened to the housing market in the UK is called inflation. We've got so much housing inflation it's silly. To buy a house on the road I grew up on would set you back £24,000 a month for 40 years.

chillin

Yeah this isn't really accurate. Taxes stayed the same in America and went down in Britain. Eventually they will have to go up to pay for the stimulus (not the bail-outs, they pay those back), but, not yet.

bishopdante

The government owes 55% of the entire GDP of the UK in defecit. The GDP of the UK is accounted for 160% by foreign investments. That means that the domestic holdings are running at a *huge* loss. Also, foreign investments use international tax structures to avoid paying *any* tax. Caymans. 80% odd of the UK's tax income comes from taxing citizens.

When the UK's IMF credit rating goes bang, we hit super-interest on the loan repayments. That's when tax and more tax is going to turn us into slaves.

The way that the government borrows money is that it's based on bonds. When bonds mature they *have to pay*. All of it. This is usually on a 2 year basis. What if you don't have it? Well, we just rode over that with very little media coverage. We created ie: "borrowed" using more bonds to pay the bonds. That's like borrowing on your credit card to pay the credit card bills.

When that touches down in 2 years time with the Olympics then we'll see fireworks. Think Weimar republic type fireworks.

Tabby

I comprehend the term "credit crunch" now.
Thank you.

diamond_day

Yeah but what shoes should I wear?

da5nsy

facebook like button click

Anonymous

You can't tell everyone You can't tell everyone they're not going to die. Its just not true

Anonymous

you missed the bit where investment banks acquired commercial banks and building societies, thus blurring the boundaries between a high street bank and a wall street bank and increasing the knock on effect of the sub prime mortgage market collapse.

felix

Crunchy Money The Credit Catastrophe means that my student loan may start making me money.

We should have these recession things more often.(apart from the fact it makes things shut down, half the staff at whitecube lose their jobs un ting)

jetangelic

this is amazing. this is amazing.

The credit crunch for retards

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