Guuuuyssssss. Calm down, she’s not THAT psycho (OK she kind of is), but at the same time she is still the person who I’ve been closer to than anyone the past six months.

I originally planned to spend Valentine’s day weekend at home alone, jerking off to a gay emo porno I recently purchased. What actually happened turned out to be a lot less dreadful (and a lot more naked) than I had expected.

“On the way home Kerri suggests we raid the bins behind Subway for food. Now, I’m not going to lie and say I’ve never bin raided - I have, many times over - but the thought of doing it at 5 PM, sober and in clear view of flocks of judgmental strangers sends shivers down my spine.”

Lately my attempts to refrain from casual sex have caused me to fall in love with every moderately attractive boy I meet (especially ones who regularly bleed from the face).

Milly McMahon lost her virginity at 22, no word of a lie, and she doesn’t mind telling you all about it. Illustrations by Rob Whoriskey

It’s all getting a bit much for our kid. P.S. Louise is blatantly in love with you, you complete idiot.

This week Tuvshin returns to tackle some of life’s great questions, such as “how long after breaking up with a long term girlfriend is it ok to get your fuck on?”, and “do guys mind wonky tits?”