Seven months ago my boyfriend of five years dumped me. I’m not really sure why. Probably to become gay. Who knows? But I can honestly say that I’ve handled this break-up with the least amount of dignity and grace that I possible could. Yup, I’ve taken every available opportunity to continually embarrass and shame myself, never turning down the chance to look like a total psychopath madwoman from break-up hell. In hindsight, some of the things I did were probably a bad idea. Actually, “bad idea” doesn’t even do them justice. But being the nice and thoughtful person that I am, I’ve made a list of some of my regrettable actions, just incase you ever find yourself in my dumped position and want to know what to avoid avoid avoid!

Wicca

For some reason, weird, annoying fat-girl witchcraft seems like an appropriate thing to get into after you’ve been dumped. Well, it did for me anyway. I tried it all—rocking the black lipstick, making voodoo dolls of my ex and then cutting off their little voodoo penises, holding weird, masturbation rituals with the purpose of making my ex fall back in love with me. Nothing worked. Not to mention I wasted the first two months of our break-up (AKA prime rebound-fuck time) looking like a loser high school goth dyke.

Shameless Begging

I have no shame. Because of this, after my boyfriend broke up with me I had no qualms about showing up drunk at his apartment in the middle of the night, crying and begging him to have sex with me. He normally just slammed the door in my face (Apparently desperation isn’t sexy. Whatever!!!), but this didn’t discourage me. At one point I actually said, “Please, you won’t have to do anything. You can just lie there while I masturbate.” Despair.

Sleeping With Internet Strangers

I tried this for a while around month three of our break up, during my ‘desperately horny’ phase. I thought the idea of sleeping with complete strangers seemed cool or edgy or whatever. It wasn’t. In reality, the only people who troll for sex on the internet are gross, pathetic losers who can’t get sex in a normal, civilized fashion (i.e. getting blackout drunk and then just sort of falling onto someone’s dick). Either that or they’re rapists, shit fetishists, or have some sort of weird physical deformity (not the hot kind—more like the erectile dysfunction kind). Not a good look.

False Pregnancy

This is just a bad idea all around. Although I did find that calling up my ex up at random and cheerfully stating, “Hey! I’m pregnant! Is it cool with you if I name our first born child Mötley Crüe?” at least got me some of the much needed attention I so desperately desired.

Break-up Sex

In my deluded head, break-up sex seemed like a free ticket to an alternate sex universe where all the horrible, disgusting, filthy sex moves I was too scared to pull during our relationship were now totally up for grabs. And realistically, I was sort of right. However, if at all possible, you should try to refrain from break-up sex. It might seem like a good idea at the time, but it only leaves you feeling even more fucked-up and confused and mentally unstable afterward (although realistically you’ll probably get the most rigorous head of your life).

Whatever. Love is bullshit anyways.