Slutever: Dear Freaks

I attract freaks. Well, that’s not really what I mean. What I mean is, I think people feel like can be the weirdest, most twisted versions of themselves around me. I can’t decide whether this is a good or a bad thing. I guess it shows I come across as being very non-judgmental, welcoming of abnormalities, etc. I’m into that. However, it also just means I receive an insane amount of emails and Facebook messaged from strangers, pouring their deranged little hearts out about every fucked-up fantasy or sexual encounter they’ve ever experienced, and all the dark ambitions they’re too ashamed to share with their families and friends. Admittedly I do find a large portion of these messages extremely touching and amusing. However I’m actually just not the person you should be getting-real with about your impotency issues, your scat porn addiction or your hidden desire to fuck your mom. Seriously, get a psychiatrist.

I also must give off the impression that I’m the type of girl who would enjoy being sent extremely crude, overtly sexual emails, because I get a shocking amount of those as well. It’s slightly disturbing. Because if I’m honest, as much as I bullshit to try and make myself sound super edgy and sexually progressive, really I just want to have slow, lovey make-out sex like everybody else. I want a boy who strokes my hair and reads me books and stuff, not one who sends me sinister emails that open with “I want to punch your whorish mouth.” WTF? Your mothers would be ashamed. I also do not want to be sent photos of erect cocks. I don’t know how that rumor got started. So basically if you were thinking of sending over a few snaps of your morning boner, please consider otherwise.

I’ve compiled a few of the weirdest, most lolz, most creepy messages I’ve been sent as of late. If you’re reading this and one of these messages is from you, I’m sorry, I still love you dearly, but you should know that you have serious, deep-seeded emotional problems for which you should probably seek professional help.