Skateboarding is an adorable pastime enjoyed by loads of hot sweaty boys. Girls have long since preferred them over previous parent-upsetting rebel favourites, band members. Girls are over band members because they realised that anyone in an unsuccessful band is a deluded egomaniacal adolescent and anyone in a successful band is a spoilt egomaniacal adolescent. Also, all of them got into writing songs about girls because they’re waaaaaaaay too sensitive, so going out with a band member is like going out with a needy Labrador who cries a lot.
In stark contrast to those musician pussies, skateboarders enjoy a masculine pursuit that takes years and years of practice to even get close to good at (learning bass takes a day), and they will ditch whatever/whoever they’re doing to go do it, and that kind of dedication is hot. There’s also a moderate to severe chance they could get in trouble with the law for their hobby, and their hobby is totally graceful, athletic and great to watch. Is anyone else getting a boner?
Anyhoo, we had an intern this week (his name was Aaron and he was adorable) and Adidas are running a skateboard related competition on our site (AND WHAT? A blogger’s gotta eat) so to celebrate/draw your attention to it, we send him out to take photos of skateboarders on his camera. Then we tried to deconstruct the appeal of each one of them.
CHARLIE
OMG is that the guy from American History X? But bleeding? And in real life? And wearing a vest in springtime cos he got so sweaty from skating? This is pretty much the hottest one we’ve got guys, so you may as well go back to facebook now. Hey, buddy, how did you do that to your face? “I was trying to do a backside flip up a block and the board came up and smacked me in the face.” Have you had any other injuries from skateboarding? “I broke my ankle twice and broke my right rib 3 times.” SWOON!
PHIL
Look at this adorable little tyke! He’s all smiles! He’s got a classic look that is at once tight and loose fitting, and the same Vans the guys from Minor Threat wore all those years ago. There’s a word for looks like this: timeless. The guys who don’t make a song and dance about their looks are usually the best skaters, amirite? Wanna know more about this lil charmer? He’s into 50’s jazz and he’s riding an Alien Workshop deck. BABE.
NILS
Tbh, this guy isn’t as spot on in the fashion department, the way his shoes have that yellow bit that matches the top of his t shirt is kind of semi gross, but he’s got an arm support which shows he’s serious about his shit, and when we asked where he got his shirt he was all “I support my local shop”, then we asked him if skating helped him get girls he said “it doesn’t matter”, like it wasn’t even the reason he got into it in the first place, imagine that!
TED
The first of the old guy skaters in our feature, he looks totally disgusting in the best possible way. He’s been skating for 12 years, which is ages. It’s obviously not about clothes with this guy, but if cameras also captured smell, he’d smell great in smell-o-vision: the mix of lager, sweat and being almost thirty is a pretty fantastic aroma. He’s probably got really bad knees and a graffiti tattoo somewhere on his person. The mustache took two years to cultivate FYI, “I keep burning bits off when I’m drunk”. Adorable!
LAWRENCE
It would be such a disappointment if this guy wasn’t Scottish. Aaron the intern didn’t mention it though, so he probably wasn’t. The pink Carhartt shirt and woolly hat combo make him look like he’s either an artist who works with plaster loads or just a guy who is doing up a run-down house in the south of France. Turns out he’s an art student so we were right, kind of. He also really digs Thelonious Monk. This guy’s the intellectual type. Hot stuff.
TIM
That jumper is waaaay too big for him, but he doesn’t care. He’s got a kind of neanderthal/thug vibe that Harmony Korine made millions out of, he looks like he could hold his own in a fight and he isn’t some art school poser either: when we asked him what music he liked he said “eighties rap like Wu Tang”, Huh? He’s starting his own company and it’s gonna be called To Be Free, and he’s Estonian! The accent is hot.
JOE
This baby-faced scamp has only been skating 4 and a half months, and he’s already owning that look like a pro. He said he has had a girlfriend for 5 years but this kid only looks 15 or 16 tops: slow down buddy! You’re only young, Play the field! How did he have such a great eye for the look so early into his skating career? That’s what we want to know. Maybe his mum’s a stylist.
VINCENT
He better be good at skating to back up the pretty considered outfit. You know how much a tattoo sleeve costs? Fucking loads, is the answer to that. He’s only a two tone haircut away from being a Myspace emo guy who likes Christian metalcore, but the hair and beard make him look like he knows about thrash and beer. That stuff’s not important anyway, it’s what’s inside that counts, and it turns out he got into skating cos of his older brother, he’s from South Africa, and one day he dreams of being a film director. Hawt!!!
PHILLIPE
This kid was half Brazilian/Californian, which makes him hella exotic, so it’s not like he’d have a problem getting girls in this city anyway, all the locals are pale gingers with beer guts and miserable dispositions. Look at how upbeat and active he looks, he can probably do cool things like climb telephone poles or do three somersaults before he hits the pool water. Who’s betting he’s crazily charming too? When we asked him about girls he said: “I love girls, man”.
WILL
Old skaters do things that look cool that would look dorky if young skaters did it, like stand on their deck while they are just leaning on a fence. Picture a 16 year old doing that, it wouldn’t look cool at all would it? The younger guys can only hold their decks like the guy in the background, but when you’re old, people know you’ve paid your dues and you can do whatever the fuck you want. The beard and skate shop shirt tell us that this guy has been around since before skateboarding was in videogames. He told us he’s into the Beatles, which means he’s old enough to not care about what music nerds say.
SIMULTANEOUSLY POSTED ON STREET CARNAGE.
