SEX IS GROSS

Sex is Gross…

…well, it is and it isn’t. Don’t get me wrong: I’m all for sexual experimentation - It’s great for muscle growth and also aids in the development of special brain receptors that help to capture knowledge. My slightly autistic ex-boyfriend taught me that. But there is a line within the sex universe that simply should not be crossed. Like, for example, when you find yourself shitting into a condom and then putting the sack of excrement into the freezer for later sexual use - that’s when you know you should take a step back to navigate the location of THE LINE.

Sure, it’s normal to want to stick your appendages into inappropriate holes, or to leave trails of your salvia in uncharted, mysterious territory. But let’s just leave it at that, shall we? Can’t we all just suck on each other’s tongues and lick each other’s genitals and be fucking happy? That should be enough. Sadly, it seems this is not so.

Rusty Trombones, Space Docking, Silversmithing - this is what sex as we know it has become. Who comes up with this filth? It’s got to the point where you can’t fuck a stranger without them asking you to perform some perverted sexual act that you’ve never even heard of (but you can guess probably involves feces). What ever happened to making love? Reading each other poetry? A romantic fisting session to the soundtrack of Bright Eyes’ I’m Wide Awake It’s Morning? We’re all spiraling out of control.

And not only is all this twisted misconduct downright disgusting, it’s highly dangerous as well. The health risks involved in some of these sinful behaviors are unreal. Here is a breakdown of some of the things you should avoid during your ‘˜I’m curious about the way my body works and want you to join me on my perverted sex pilgrimage ‘ phase.

Rusty Trombone:
When a dude stands with his knees and back slightly bent and his feet shoulder width apart to expose his asshole. His partner then kneels behind him and licks out his asshole while reaching around and jerking him off at the same time, mimicking the motion of a trombone player.

Why you shouldn’t do it: You can’t just wander around licking people’s butts. Oral contact with feces is highly dangerous. You could get Hepatitis A, B, C, and E. You could get parasitic intestinal infections. And worst of all, you could get shit breath.

Jelly Doughnut:
When a guy ejaculates into a girl’s mouth. Then, while her mouth is still full of semen, he punches her in the teeth, causing a mixture of sperm and blood to develop inside her face, resembling a jelly doughnut.

Why you shouldn’t do it: For one, this could cause an extremely large amount of damage to your teeth, and dental work is highly expensive. Secondly, you run the risk of getting semen in your eyes, resulting in conjunctivitis (aka ‘˜pink eye’). Not sexy.

Dirty Sanchez:
When a guy sticks his finger or fist up the girl’s ass, and then wipes the feces from his finger onto the girl’s upper lip. Sometimes referred to as a Stinky Hitler.

Why you shouldn’t do it: Seriously, you don’t even know the ridiculous amount of bacteria that exists in feces. And I’m not even going to tell you because it would just make your tiny teenage brain explode. But basically the sheer quantity of bacteria and parasites in your shit could lead to viruses and infections such as herpes, gonorrhea, and even polio.

Superman:
(Taken directly from the Urban Dictionary) When you skeet on a ho’s back, and then she wakes up in da morning wit da bedsheet stuck to her, makin’ a superman-style cape.

Why you shouldn’t do it: Capes are so 2007.

Felching:
When a guy ejaculates into his partner’s asshole via anal sex, and then proceeds to suck out the cum and all the other junk that’s up with his mouth.

Why you shouldn’t do it: I think I’ve already given you enough reasons why you shouldn’t eat shit.

Snowballing:
This comes after felching. Basically once the guy’s got the mixture of cum and shit in his mouth, he then basses it back and forth with his partner through open-mouth kissing.

Why you shouldn’t do it: Two words: Mouth AIDS.

Indiana Squirrel Trap:
When a girl is on top riding a guy’s dick, and then right when he’s about to come she gets up, pours battery acid all over the guy’s cock, cuts off his balls with a blunt knife, shoves his bloody testicules into his mouth, shoots him in the head with an AK-47, and then shoves all his loose brain goo up his dead rectum.

Why you shouldn’t do it: To be honest, I can’t think of one good reason why you shouldn’t give this one a spin.

WORDS: KARLEY SCIORTINO