Safe For Work Porn - Worse Than Real Porn

SFW = Safe For Work, as in, NSFW = not safe for work. If you haven’t seen last year’s Diesel viral video, then you’re obviously my 84 year old grandmother who doesn’t have a computer, so gran, this is for you. I should call you more, I know.

Thanks to this video, now, as with every joke that can be recycled over and over, there’s a website dedicated to Microsoft Painting over porn too make it innocent. It’s called Porn SFW and it’s the kind of internet detritus we try to avoid posting about here too much. But there you go.

Things move fast on the internet, that joke is old now, and over here we’ve moved onto a newer type of SFW porn.

Safe for work videos is a sort of acceptable idea, like, videos of hot girls that aren’t pornographic. When guys like Them Thangs chooses a bunch of classy ladies in amongst a load of macro shots of expensive watches you feel like you’re admiring beauty, as opposed to furtively wanking at your desk. If you look at Them Thangs, you’re a discerning gentleman, not a spotty adolescent with hairy palms, a video version of that wouldn’t be so bad. This guy knows whats up with that stuff.

It’s a pity the guys over at SFW Vidz, that we recently sent by our old pal Tuvshin, have a) no class, and b) no moral compass. Because the money they saved on web design they could have spent on cornering the porn-less hot girl market. Instead, they’ve got hold of a fourteen year old adolescent and harnessed his ability to be turned on by almost anything (remember that phase? When you could easily knock one out to a found newspaper photo of an aging Meryl Streep if you could see even a square inch of cleavage? I was once “overcome with emotion” to a photo of the back of Princess Diana’s calves (she was still alive)) by sitting him in front of a TV and getting him to rip his favourite bits onto Youtube.

They asked him to name the videos, but he was so spotty, awkward and shy (and masturbating) that all he could muster was a breaking-voiced screech/grunt along the lines of “MiquitaOliverBlackNylons!!” each time. So now there’s a whole channel of Youtube videos with the name of the daytime tv presenter and the thing about them this kid finds attractive in the video.

Ooh lovely! Look at those thighs!!! All wrapped in nylon! Black nylon!

Milf. Reminds me of my mate’s mum etc etc!!!! And red is a sexy colour!

Mummy!!!!

Girl on girl nylon action! Imagine if they rubbed their nylons together!!! Pwoarrrr!!!!

Of course, the reality is is that it’s probably not a 14 year old behind this site, it’s either a disgusting, fat, bespectacled old man, naked from the waist down and sprawled on a leather sofa in a flat with newspaper taped over the windows, or a crass, stupid, recent graduate who tells people he has the best job in the world because he can stay in his room and watch tv all day (have you met someone who works for AQA? Retardo). Whichever one of those guys it was, if I was a female tv presenter I’d start dressing like my husband was serious about Muhammad.

What I’m trying to say is, I really enjoy porn, and not just the nice, respectful kind, in fact there’s nothing I enjoy more than watching someone call Belladonna a dirty bitch when she’s got a load of things in her butt, but you know how girls see a Maxim shoot or watch a slutty girl work her shit to boys at a party, and say something along the lines of “that makes me ashamed of my entire sex”? That’s how this stuff makes me feel, like, “I get that it’s a victimless thing to do and all celebrities are in the public domain and therefore ripe for picking on, but you guys are serious fucking loser creeps”. Honestly, after watching 45 videos of this stuff I was totally sick of it.