Prick Moves

Posted by Robert Foster on 12/02/10
Posted under BLOG
COMMENTS (8)

classic prick move

It’s so difficult not to care what people think. Everyone gives such a shit about morals and having them, it’s almost impossible to get things done. Worrying what strangers make of you will get you nowhere, doing what you feel, uninhibited by what the Captain Angrypants on the internet thinks or whether or not Joe Public approves is the mark of a true man. I always think that’s why people stop being all right-on in their early 20s, cos people become man enough to stop worrying about what the moral majority (and by moral majority I mean the vegetarian girls they think are hot) think of them.

Usually people just chill out on going to rallies for causes they could really care less about or stop listening exclusively to Youth Crew hardcore, maybe they cut their long hair cos they’re tired of the hassle or get a job in property development cos of being paid a fuck load of money. All of these things piss off the younger guys who are still into being part of the radical good guy team -which is fine, cos without the good guy team flagging up the shitheads we’d all be fucking bastards the whole time- but this doesn’t bother the people leaving the good guy team because the point of leaving is that they’ve stopped caring.

Still, the good guy team keep on trucking, which is why that website that called out everyone who broke their edge started (I thought it was howsyouredge.com but I can’t find the list anywhere) and why anything said on Platform that isn’t very progressively minded gets met with a humourless comment about people like us being the root of the decline of western civilization -not the movie, the actual thing (btw, the third one of those movies about SF crusties is really cool!). Eventually the guys who have left the good guy team get so sick of the good guy team hassling them they start doing things just to piss the good guy team off, which I think is why you get guys like this going as far in the opposite direction as they possibly can.

What I’m actually trying to build to in this elongated ramble that is snaking its way to a short list of people isn’t anything about making a personal political shift slightly less to the left or giving up on animal rights or jacking in trying to make art or whatever –trying not to be jaded is probably a good thing- it’s about being a prick for the sake of it. I’m trying to bring up the phenomenon of setting yourself apart from the herd by just saying ‘fuck you, you bunch of cunts, I’m my own man and your shitty moral codes mean nothing to me because I’m basically god’ to the world in a new and interesting way. It’s not actually necessary or really that useful but it’s a good way of asserting yourself. You might do this to one person or a whole group of people, and people might hate you but also might respect you for this move.

A common situation that illustrates what I’m getting at is when a group of people are hanging out and this one girl is going on and on about getting fucked over by a string of men, and it’s really killing the buzz of the informal gathering, so one guy just says something like ‘well, Amy, if you stopped being such a slut all the time maybe one of them might respect you’, then just carries on drinking his beer. All the girls in the room are (rightly) fucking appalled, maybe one of the guys laughs and is embarrassed that he laughed, and the girl herself bursts into tears, then the guy who said it just goes “what?! It’s true” and walks out. He loses like four friends and the next day his buddy who was there tries to reason with him and explain the seriousness of the situation, and he refuses to apologise. I’m not saying this is good or bad (it’s probably bad) but it’s memorable and he will definitely have marked himself out as a renegade not willing to tow the party line on shit he doesn’t believe in.

If you’re looking to make a life changing prick move here’s a few great ones to learn from:

Phil Collins
This fucking guy was getting sick of his wife being on his back all the time, like, calling him on his phone when he was on tour or trying to talk to him face to face about their problems, so you know what he did? He divorced her by fax. She didn’t hear from him for a while, then her machine started making that weird noise and it was just Phil telling her to pack her shit. Fax is a cold medium. He basically reduced their relationship to the level of a bank statement or a receipt: “Our relationship is nothing more than a contract I am buying you out of, see ya (although I’d rather not)”. I bet even his best friends were all ‘come on, guy’, but did he apologise? Fuck off he apologised. Classic prick move.

Biggie Smalls
I’m sure this guy did a few underhand things, but my favourite thing he ever did was boast about having a child molester slash child murderer as a friend in What’s Beef: “Don’t they know my nigga Gutter fuckin’ kidnap kids, fuck em in the ass, throw em off a bridge? That’s how it is…”. He’s basically saying, “I roll with a child rapist and I’m prepared to use him and his sick desires to get revenge on you crossing me – that’s right, I will have your kid raped if you fuck with me!”. That’s a pretty extreme thing to announce and if he did it at a party everyone would be pretty upset, but I bet he wouldn’t apologise. He’s pulled a great prick move right there, and it’s a mystery to me how his mother claims to love him on all those tribute/remix albums she talks on.

Damien Hirst
This is going on Street Carnage as well as Platform and I don’t know if this guy is a big deal in America but in Britain he’s the Coca Cola of art. Everyone knows him and has an opinion on him, he’s amassed an enormous fortune and bought a massive castle to house loads of art and his last major work apart from some shitty paintings that ripped off Francis Bacon was a human skull covered in diamonds and pearls. This teenager did these collages of the skull, kind of making fun of it, and sold a few prints on a website for about 200 pounds, Hirst found out about it, went fucking crazy and set his lawyers on the kid to get the money off him and fuck him up. It was the art equivalent of when a major label finds a music downloader and sues them hard for using Soulseek – totally vindictive, pointless and incredibly mean, and I totally respect him for it. He’s a prick and that was his move.

Anyhoo, there’s three nasty prick moves I can think of, and this has totally overrun, has anyone got any prick moves of their own they’d like to share?

SIMULTANEOUSLY POSTED ON STREET CARNAGE.

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Comments

Anonymous

I told a girl I kind of liked that my friend, who she was interested in, was a Nazi. It was kind of true though and she would have found out, so I just did him a favour in the long run.
JosieK

It's cool you publish this around Valentines Day and yeah, you did go on at the beginning, publishing the banal infamy of only 3 pricks. A Polarising columnist in the making! Who will win the next election then? That's right - some prick...
teaandtwoslices

this would've been better if it had less of a long oh crap what if i offend someone intro and just got right to the hardcore prick moves. I like the idea though, mainly just because being a prick is fucking fun.
Vanessa

"I’m trying to bring up the phenomenon of setting yourself apart from the herd by just saying ‘fuck you, you bunch of cunts, I’m my own man and your shitty moral codes mean nothing to me because I’m basically god’ to the world in a new and interesting way. It’s not actually necessary or really that useful but it’s a good way of asserting yourself. You might do this to one person or a whole group of people, and people might hate you but also might respect you for this move."

That sounds so retarded

"I’m not saying this is good or bad (it’s probably bad) but it’s memorable and he will definitely have marked himself out as a renegade not willing to tow the party line on shit he doesn’t believe in."

All about image, eh ?

Prick moves, as you describe them, up there, make me think of prepubescent 12 year olds with add

Your picture looks much like it too

The collage with Damian Hirsts skull is shit... and unauthorised use of his work
If you're gonna use someone's work, atleast be good
florence

hey fuckhead! it's called being flippant and irreverent!

shhhhhh

some of us are trying to have a sense of humour here
Whoops

Sounds like Bob Foster is having a "fuck you friday"

I had a fuck you friday lastweek I have a big fleecey chequered coat. I wear skinny jeans so I look a fool. There was snow on the ground and it was cold. I was on my way to the pub, passsed some school kids one of them said: "Hey you in the weird coat"

I told them to fuck themselves. Yeah they were only 14 year old girls and probs just wanted throw down some banter. But it was a "fuck you friday"
DwightMcCarthy

My mum was all like "Maisy no! Go away" to her dog. She's so uptight I can't resist saying things like, what's up? She sniffin your vag' again?
Anonymous

if one more person tells me they're a socialist or a vegan out of left feild in the middle of a conversation about a tv show, i'm going to murder them. and all animals just to fucking spite them. also, i would like to talk about interests without somebody trying to one up me. i.e. " i like this director" "yeah he's alright i guess, but have you heard of this director?" "no" "well he's the best. you probably wouldn't know any of his movies though". i am a fucking bitch now and all of my former friends hate me, but at least i have a sense of identity.

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“Dear Tuvshin, My boyfriend recently started DJ-ing, he’s been playing in his bedroom for ages, ipods at house parties that kind of thing. Recently he’s getting booked at these dumb clubnights in Nottingham, full of dumb indie sluts throwing themselves at him. I can tell he really enjoys it, although he reassures me its all ok. I hate it, I don’t want be the gf by his side when he DJ’s, nor do I want to leave him to it. What do I do? Should I start DJ-ing? Should I break his hands? Stab the girls? Guide me. P.S. I’m 22, 5 10″, pierced tongue, and sex is good, (so nothing’s falling short in that dept).”

You can rest assured in the knowledge your boyfriend definitely is or will be fucking around with one of these indie sluts (despite the fact they can’t throw down). He’s a guy. But more importantly, your boyfriend sounds like the type of dude to play electro remixes from hype machine and say shit like “wait for the drop..” and make ironic hand gun gestures, the world needs more guys like him like Lady Gaga needs more nose. My advice is drop him like he’s hot and shack up with a young gun with some flavour, maybe even a fly brother who writes a Agony Uncle column who could fold you like origami.