Remember that awful family portrait you were forced to have back in the 90s? Every family is obliged to get one - before the kids turn old enough to protest and before Mum gets all jowly. I believe it was made necessary by law in the 1950s. We won a family photo session in a school raffle once so Mum bribed me me into a dress with Jelly Tots and we all shuffled along to the studio. Despite the fact I look heavily drugged (I wasn’t, just a huge daydreamer), the photo’s still on the wall.
Whilst searching for other people’s family portraits on the net, I struck gold and came across this website. Here’s my pick of the best:
I’ve always said I love a boy in a well-fitting suit but when I say ‘boy’ I actually mean ‘hot guy in his twenties’. Not a ten year old boy. But whatevs, this kid and indeed the rest of his family are suited and booted and they clearly mean business. They reek of power and success. Girl on the left’s letting them down a bit in her slash-necked combo but hey, Dad’s sure making up for it with his fuck-off projector. Yeah!
This photo screams long-suffering mum. All she wanted to do was get a nice family photo ‘cos Dad left them years ago and the girls are all she’s got. So the girls are all, “Nah mate nah we’re fuckin’ punks yeah?” Then Mum tells them nervously in her sweet little voice that she’ll cut their allowance if they don’t do it and would they please do this one thing for her and they agree only because they need their allowance to buy that Clash tee shirt they saw on eBay. Oh, and only if they have a super amazing cosmic background and can dress like complete cunts. It breaks my heart.
Nothing says ‘good times’ like fancy dress. Especially when it involves dressing your young daughters up as sluts. “Hey, girl in the blue! Could you just open your legs up for me, that’s great, now your right leg, yup that’s the one, just drape that awkwardly over your dad’s thigh…yep, like that, perfect!” That guy is literally surrounded by his family’s vaginas. No wonder he looks so uncomfortable. ”Keep. Looking. Straight. Ahead.”
Anyone else find this incredibly creepy? It’s not just the massive floating head, it’s his knowing expression. ”He’s behiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind yoooooooooooou!” “Oh no he isn’t!” No, but seriously. He is.
If there’s someone in your family you’re not so bothered about, then don’t keep it to yourself - let them know! Check out the little guy with the big ears (isn’t he just the cutest?). The other three have clearly got this private joke going on that they’re all sniggering about and he’s all like, “Wuh?!” Bet they put laxatives into his breakfast this morning. No wonder they’re standing so far away. Look at the girl’s smug little face. - I’d like to wipe that grin right off it. But hey whatever, our kid looks so chilled, I’m sure he doesn’t even care. Anyway, bet he’s sacking those losers off after the shoot to roll with his homies. Or something.
Now we’ve all wanted to do this to our mothers but this photo really isn’t going to hold up well in court when your dear mum’s found dead with signs of asphyxiation. Your dad will be making that very same ‘I know nothing’ face and probably whistling too whilst you get dragged away to the slammer.
Only child? No problem. Pose with your favourite doll (and probably your only friend). Is that a Cabbage Patch Kid? Creepy. Anyone seen Orphan? Me neither but from the trailer I reckon those two girls would get along really well. (Loving the Cabbage Patch projection also. Genius.)
Look! They’re in a giant present! And it looks like they’re under a tree! That’s like super funny, non? Bet they had this printed into Christmas cards. Betcha. Look at Dad at the back. This so wasn’t his idea. He’s just a little embarrassed. What will the guys down the pub say?
For those more on the religious side of Christmas, why not recreate the Nativity? No child yet? That’s fine, just wrap your DOG up in swaddling clothes. Not blasphemous. At all. (They are so burning in hell).
Of course, portraits aren’t just for families. Love your man? Then you darn well show it girlfriend! Wear matching outfits and forget the camera’s there, just GO FOR IT. Oh you already have. Brillo.
Though I’m wondering where a photo like this ends up? I mean nowadays, it’d totally be a Facebook profile picture but back then? Perhaps in a little gilt frame by their bed? To remind them twenty years down the line when he’s screwing an 18 year old waitress behind her back and she’s wishing the menopause would come and take her away that that there was once a super hot fiery passion?
I hope they gave framed copies of these to both sets of parents. I really do.
