We get a lot of submissions from people we don’t know. And I will be honest, some of them are utter tripe. But some of them aren’t bad at all, and some of them even make me laugh so much I snort hot chocolate down myself at 1 in the morning when I’m watching ‘200 cigarettes’ online (pretty good film, features Paul Rudd before Bromance having sex with Courtney Love before Botox, in a New York public toilet). Not that I actually watch the films properly, I get approximately 46.53 minutes in and find myself clicking to the IMDB page so I can read the Trivia section and later regale people I don’t really know with facts about a film they will probably never see and then wander home to a house that probably isn’t even mine.
What the hell am I talking about?
Anyway, JOSH TYAS sent me this set of bizarre TV pitches, which made me snort the chocolate (sounds dodgy, it wasn’t meant to sound dodgy), so here they are for your viewing pleasure.
Pipes
The young hip cool kids have Skins but what about the cool hip OAP’s? Here to save them all is ‘Pipes’- Skins but 70 years older. This new drama set in Richmond Nursing Home finds it’s patients getting restless. Maurice is desperately in love with Doris but she is blissfully unaware, partly due to large amounts of medication and fading eyesight. Meanwhile sex mad 83 year old Edith is desperate to get her hands on more than just Maurice’s rather large fortune, while Doris is worried about her brother, and fellow patient, 91 year old Gerald, who instead of dealing with his massive smack addiction, hangs round the local Bingo hall drinking large amounts of cough medicine and throwing Werthers Originals at ‘young people’. A dark subplot sees evil Nurse Glenda’s sadistic habit of wearing low cut nurses dresses which come up near the knee, on her afternoon rounds when all all the residents are watching countdown. This highly destructive action not only distracts many patrons from answering the countdown conundrum, but has also caused several heart attacks (scored by Radiohead and featuring weird jump-shot camera action). So will Maurice get his girl? will Gerald be able to score some E for the yearly dance? Will any of them get a call from their children this Christmas? There’s thrills, Pills, and lots of inadvertent spills on ‘Pipes’. Coming to OAP4 this Autumn, every Sunday at 4.30pm (repeated on OAP4+1 at 5.30pm, and again on OAP4+Alzheimer’s daily).
Come Dine With Me X-RATED VERSION!!
Combining Channel 4 favourite peccadilloes of reality TV, sex, food programs, and disgusting bodies comes ‘Come Dine With Me X-RATED VERSION’. In this stunning new piece of televisual expertise not only to do the guests have to cook for each other but also have sex on the dinner table, humus and pitta rubbed into hairy backsides. Though they are marked separately on the food element and bedroom performance, extra marks are available for those who can combine the two.
Mid Afternoon
If the best selling world phenomenon of the ‘Twillight’ series has taught us nothing, its that teenage girls love the idea of getting it on with sexy mythological creatures who dress like they’ve just walked out a Topshop advert. So to cash in on this may I present to you ‘Mid Afternoon’, a hit series for the teen contingent. New girl Cella does not fit in (i.e. wears too much black eyeliner, and mops around a lot), but that all changes when she meets Rob-shamus, whose love of the colour green, and the fact he is only 3 foot tall, are not merely coincidental - he’s only a ruddy leprechaun! But he’s not like all the other leprechauns, no, he’s really sensitive, likes poetry and is totally deep and shit, yeah? You are invited to join this romantic and passionate pair (who don’t have a sense of humour between them) as they try and find the fabled ‘pot of gold’ (innuendo intended), and battle through hoards of other equally sexy legendary creatures such as trolls, minotaurs and unicorns, all of whom have really nice hair and look good with their shirts off. Although the show is aimed mainly at a female audience, as in ‘Twillight’ there must incredibly patronising, sexist and patriarchal overtones with Cella forced to stay with Rob-shamus even though he smells of Guinness, swears a lot and needs a stepladder to get into bed.
Jade Goody Saves The World And Attempts To Eradicate All Suffering Ever…With The Help of the Sun newspaper….
(NOTE: To get the full effect of this pitch it is best to read while listening to Coldplay. If no Coldplay is available then other mawkish background music, such as Snow Patrol or songs from Keane’s first album, will suffice.)
Watch the inspirational 6 hour dramatised story of Jade Goody, the greatest women since Jesus Christ, as she single-handedly battles terminal illness, raises the perfect family, fights racism, ends the Cold War, walks on water, brings out a perfume range that smells better than life itself, frees Nelson Mandela, lands on the moon, hits Number One across the planet with her album ‘Thriller’, battles the Nazis on the beaches of Normandy, discovers the Theory of Evolution, is hung on a cross by the Romans for correctly proclaiming to be the true Messiah, and invents the electric toaster. Starring Denzel Washington as Jade Goody and Morgan Freeman as Max Clifford in what is undoubtedly the most anticipated film since God created man in the Garden of Eden. If you don’t watch ‘Jade Goody Saves The World And Attempts To Eradicate All Suffering Ever…With The Help Of The Sun Newspaper…‘ you truly are a heartless piece of vermin who obviously hates humanity and probably spend your free time stamping on the faces of new born puppies. All the money from ‘JGSTW…WTHOTSN’ Will go directly to Jade’s Family and other various charities. (As well as to Max Cliffords PR company, OK magazine, The Sun, Heat, Max Clifford himself etc. etc. etc.)
What a Kant!
A new hit family sitcom from the makers of ‘My Family’, ‘2.4 Children’, and ‘Panorama Investigates: Evil Cock Rings’, sees the greatest philosophical minds of all time share a flat in Croydon WITH HILARIOUS CONSEQUENCES!!! In a comedy that goes beyond good and evil, the audience will indulge in gales of laughter as Nietzsche claims he’s a ’superman’ to pull the girl next door, Marx tries to lead a proletarian revolution, Descartes doesn’t know if he exists, and Plato just wants to know who left the milk out!!! (NOTE this is mainly a comedy for those who find philosophy based humour funny which is an even smaller demographic than the population of Amrineazax, a country I just made up with a population of five people and a cat named Schroedinger).
