Wow, that election sure was tiring. Nowhere near as excruciating as watching first time voters’ Question Time, but still pretty tiring.
If you feel like a break from the aftermath of political upheaval you should read Courtney Love’s twitter at the moment, it’s fucking amazing. I actually took the liberty of screen grabbing what went down in case she sobered up for a moment or her publicist saw it and it got taken down, but otherwise you can find it here. Can you believe her URL is courtneyloveUK? It’s so gross. It’s cos she did that gross thing that Madonna did where she cocked a snoot (as it were) to the American press who hated her by deciding she could change nationality (and accent) and be all “the Brits get me, and they’re super smart, they all go to Oxford University! You guys can go fuck yourselves!”. And part of her was probably doing that thing that addicts do where they’re willing to change everything in their life except their addiction: “If I just move nations everything will be ok and my problems will go away” etc etc.
So she’s a moron drug addict that can’t keep it together to even maintain a decent relationship with her daughter, which is awful but who cares, there’s loads of those, and that’s what court orders are for. What irks me most about this woman is that she’s so deeply unremarkable. She’s the dullest drug addict in the public eye and she still has that awful air of someone who feels like they’re the voice of a section of popular culture. Does she think she’s flouting conventional ways female celebrities behave, being a strong woman and acting like a role model? Bitch got a gastric band fitted! That’s not exactly giving those Hollywood body image fascists the finger, is it? She’s confused being brash and loud with being interesting and charismatic, and I think I hate her.
Whatever though, forget about her, she’s not worth it. Real celebrity trainwrecks don’t front about being “crazy” or complain about being overlooked at awards ceremonies, they don’t use their addictions as a promotional tool and they only show their genitals when it’s absolutely required of them.
So to show Courtney up and to celebrate me ordering Hollywood Babylon by Kenneth Anger on Amazon (when it arrives I’m going to give you a big list of the best bits), here’s another fucking listicle, this time about famous wastemen and some of the best rumours/cold hard facts about them:
GREATEST INCIDENTS OF THE STARS
Charlie Sheen’s greatest incident was like a week ago or something. He’s always been into hookers, but did you know he liked having orgies with hookers and Real Dolls? That’s the story that’s kicking around the internet! He gets hookers to do it with rubber facsimiles of hookers!? Huh? He can afford hookers, but he feels he needs to have a fake hooker there too? Why would he need to have a fake hooker there? Well, I’ll tell you. He needs the fake hooker there so at the end of his rubber/flesh/vibrating vagina/low self esteem sex session he can take out a Samurai sword and chop the head off the Real Doll. Imagine that! You can tell he’s working his way up to a real hooker’s head too. Fuck you Courtney! What you gonna do? Flash your crotch to a photographer?
Anna Nicole Smith wasn’t too remarkable for a lot of her time on this earth. She did a lot of fantastic TV work and was pretty averagely crazy, but nothing too special. Most people just remember her for two things: she married a guy who died pretty quickly afterwards and she put on lots of weight – she was a lot like Courtney Love in those respects. But she makes it onto this list because in 2004 she claimed she had been raped by a ghost. She said that while she was enjoying a nice relaxing drink of grape soda, hydrocodone, clonazepam, lorazepam, oxazepam, and diazepam and minding her own business and a ghost crawled up her leg and raped her! Then she said she got into it and decided to let the ghost keep coming back because the sex was so great! Courtney, are you going to swear on live tv now? Yikes!
Fatty Arbuckle is practically the centre piece of Hollywood Babylon, and it’s all thanks to this thing wot he dun. Fatty was this 300 pound piece of lard that people found funny back when funny was “fat guy falls over”, and he was one of the biggest deals in silent cinema. In September of 1921 in the middle of a 3 day boozy bender he took a girl upstairs to fuck her in his room at a hotel. During foreplay stuck a champagne bottle in her vagina, the bottle broke and she died of a punctured bladder a few days later. Yeah, that’s a pretty fucked up thing to happen, no doubt about it, and if it happened today to ol’ Charlie Sheen we’d all be a little shocked. But imagine what this shit was like in 1921, back when knees were the height of eroticism and parties were a series of parlour games supervised by a teetotal aunt? If you apply 90 years worth of outrage inflation to the scenario, 3 day boozy bender = 4 month long crack and heroin binge, taking a girl to his hotel room = taking three twelve year olds to a private island, putting a champagne bottle in her vagina = tying the three twelve year olds up and getting dogs to fuck them while you wear a Scream mask (killing the girl was no big deal back then, as life was cheap, it’s way worse to do that today). By 20s standards, dude was fucked, by today’s standards it’s still probably the worst thing I’ve ever heard of anyone doing. So what you got Courtney? A dull story about heroin?