The moustaches are descending, determined to make someone’s upper lip their mate. The only way to avoid misunderstanding is if we all learn to speak the language of facial hair. And fast. After all, moustaches don’t happen by accident – except the permanent marker kind. You know - ones you don’t find until you peel off the ‘I heart Dingle Berries’ post-it stuck to your nose. Probably on the same morning that you were woken up by a golden retriever named ‘Totty’ wagging her tail in your face and enthusiastically eating your sick.
WORDS: ASHLEY MAURITZEN
Moustaches, like shoes, make-up and the Gwen Stefani lyrics Tip-Ex’ed onto schoolbags, are a deliberate attempt to say something about yourself, and a good moustache is like a welcome mat. If it were just a little bigger you’d probably see that there are flowers embroidered in the corners of it.
In recognition of this fact, Platform has lovingly put together an analysis of some of the great styles for those of you who aren’t fluent in tash.
The Handlebar:
The Handlebar is the only moustache to serve an actual practical purpose. I’m not just talking about the standard moustache benefits: the respect of your peers, the heart of a fair maiden, bigger balls and a scarf knitted from the shredded hymen of undead virgins. Anyone who’s ever spent an hour on a bike with their fingers hooked into the nostrils of their driver knows what an advantage a pair of bushy reins can be. Although common sense would suggest that hanging on to someone’s facial hair whilst they attempt to steer a fast moving vehicle could never be a good idea, the Handlebar man says otherwise. And I’m not going to argue with someone whose moustache I can see from the back of their head.
FAMOUS HANDLEBAR WEARERS: Wyatt Earp, Thomas Hardy, Joseph Stalin, Super Mario, basically everyone English, important and in the military… ever.
GOOD FOR: Impersonating a water buffalo at safari-themed parties.
BAD FOR: Achieving that effortless, just-out-of-bed look.
The Horseshoe:
Next to this beast of a moustache, the Handlebar is an eight year-old girl’s bike with Princess Jasmine grips, and a bell that plays an Aqua cover of ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’. The Horseshoe is a V8-engined antichrist, ripping through the clouds and leaving behind a violent afterbirth of sound, blood and twisted black metal. Whereas most moustaches grow only along the upper lip, the horseshoe covers an intimidating expanse of face. Couple this with the fact that many horseshoe wearers are bald, and you start to suspect that there is something very dark and perverse going on.
FAMOUS HORSESHOE WEARERS: Lemmy, Hulk Hogan, The Edge.
GOOD FOR: Making someone piss themselves just by looking at them.
BAD FOR: Shopping for soft furnishings and giving a lecture on Pre-Raphaelite art.
The Fu Manchu:
In the highly stratified moustache criminal underground, the Fu Manchu is the brains behind the Horseshoe’s muscles (whether the highly strokable strands or the evil master plan came first is highly debatable). What is certain is that anyone willing to look that stupid just to pump up the exotic menace is very serious about what they do.
FAMOUS FU MANCHU WEARERS: The Prince of Darkness, Anton La Vey, borderline racist depictions of Chinese super villains.
GOOD FOR: Flagging yourself up as an opium dealer at Full Moon parties.
BAD FOR: Eating soup.
The Pencil:
This moustache belongs to an age when manhood was measured by how many whisky sours you could mix in under a minute, and American action heroes still sounded like they’d boarded at Eton. The impressiveness of the Pencil resides not in girth but precision. “Just how do you keep it so… straight?” a blonde Blitz-victim-waiting-to-happen coos. “ Why, with the same rapier I’ll use to remove your peroxide pubes from my teeth, dear gal.” Cue: jazz hands.
FAMOUS PENCIL WEARERS: Errol Flynn, Clark Gable, David Niven.
GOOD FOR: Smiling roguishly whilst striking a match on a Swarovski-encrusted bodice and sipping a martini.
BAD FOR: Doing anything that takes place after 1950.
The Toothbrush:
The toothbrush’s equal popularity with psychotic dictators and silent comedy stars is guaranteed to keep you guessing. We would, however, recommend doing this at a distance. Sources say that Hitler didn’t take kindly to being asked if he could squirt water from his swastika.
FAMOUS TOOTHBRUSH WEARERS: Adolf Hitler, Oliver Hardy, Charlie Chaplin, Robert Mugabe.
GOOD FOR: Suburban menace. This is not a man you challenge on the state of his borders.
BAD FOR: Becoming a member of the UN.
