Last weekend in the Bahamas, Miss Universe 2009 was crowned and for the second consecutive year, and sixth time overall, she was Venezuelan. Arguments about misogyny and the objectification of women aside, what be crackin’ with Venezuelan bitches that makes their shit straight BANGIN’ when stood next to ho’s from other countries? That they’re all smoking hot is one very good reason. So what’s the point in having a competition where we all know the winners anyway?
WORDS: CHRIS O’REAL
Each year Miss Universe confirms what we already know - Latin girls are obviously the hottest girls in the world. It’s nothing new, and frankly it’s getting boring. J-Lo, Penelope Cruz, Jessica Alba, the list goes on and on… But there is a precedent - the music industry stopped taking Eurovision seriously years ago for similar reasons. That precedent is: if every country actually entered it’s best band for Eurovision, Britain would win every single year and the franchise would become stale very quickly. So to open up the field a little the organizers decided make it compulsory that every country enter some of the worst music possible instead. Hey presto! It might not be the coolest competition of the calendar but at least it’s fun and you’re never certain who’s going to win (normally whichever Eastern European country everyone’s trying to impress - as if awarding a few Eurovision points is going to fucking impress anyone…)
Still, it’s got to be time by now to do the same thing to Miss Universe. Anything’s got to be better than getting our asses kicked by hot South Americans over and over. I think the problem is partly that if you put every sexy girl in the world in a blender you would basically be left with a Latin girl. They have the perfect balance to be both recognizably attractive yet also distinctly exotic to every country in the world. Plus they have sexy accents. Just check out the British entry:
Sure, she’s pretty, but doesn’t exactly have ‘dumps like a truck’ does she? The ‘English Rose’ image is only ever going to be a niche taste and far too marginal to secure the the favour of the global majority. To make Miss Universe more exciting I think we should propose a change whereby, like Eurovision, instead of entering the best on offer each country has to enter a mildly ropey entrant as well. Rebecca Addlignton, say. She would be comfortable enough with the swimsuit round.
Instead of Miss Universe being a depressing celebration of unattainable beauty, the new format would launch it to a whole new level. Votes would be given on the basis of local political arm-wrestling; totally covered-up women in Arab states would outshine their slutty equivalents in the West on the basis of the wells of oil they’re home to; Ireland would win on a regular basis because they’re just so nice, and best of all no-one could complain about the competition enforcing an unrealistic vision of feminity and encouraging eating disorders. Like Eurovision it would instead make everyone in the country get really happy about the mediocre-to-poor standard of talent on display. Dove could sponsor it. If anyone wants to take up my suggestions for this just drop me a line.