Honestly, some of the people who write for Platform are flaming morons. I usually try and refrain from attacking my colleagues, but seriously, look at this crap. What’s her problem? Never had a boyfriend? Or only had a boyfriend for a maximum of three months because you’re such a whining loser? Wah wah wah, “I’m so sorry but we can’t ever be more than friends because I’ve got a lot of “issues” and I’m just not capable of moving past them and having a proper relationship”. At some point you’ve got to stop using the fact that your parents split when you were four as the big dramatic reason why you’re set on living alone and dying surrounded by screeching cats and soiled stockings. Get over yourself, and stop making other people feel bad for the fact you’re emotionally retarded. You dick.
Love’s not half bad, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a self-obsessed idiot whose life is so boring they spend their days creating extended emotional problems out of the fact they were bullied in School by a fat kid called Clint Sparklehorse.
1. You can have fun freaking out your boyfriend/girlfriend/parents
The best thing about being in a relationship is that every now and then you can put on a serious face, take some deep breaths, and sit your girlfriend down to tell her that you think you might be gay. This only works if you do it so stoically that she actually believes you, and starts trying to tell you that it’s fine, and maybe it’s just a phase you can push through. Then you start laughing hysterically and pointing at her, she gets all angry, but in a cute way, and you sigh at each other with love and watch some porn JUST TO MAKE SURE. This is also a good way to check that you’re not gay, because if you say it and then it feels right, you know all those inklings about fancying Robert Foster were actually solid gold fact.
Girls can do it with saying they’re pregnant, but that’s dangerous territory since it’s something a lot of girls do to get attention and make sure their boyfriend doesn’t dump them because he’s gay. If you’re annoyed/worried about you/your friends lying about being pregnant, there’s a facebook group you can join.
The way you freak out your parents is just by ringing them and saying, “we have some big news” and then pay them a visit. They’re expecting you to say you’re engaged, but you reply, “Hahaha, of course we’re not getting married you idiots! Couldn’t even if we wanted to - Clint’s gay!” Then your Dad starts winking at your boyfriend over the table.
2. You stop being an idiot
Obviously being single is amazing because you have freedom and independence, and you can do whatever you like. However as soon as you’re in a relationship you realise that, while it was character building, dyeing half your head purple and calling yourself “The Mistress” wasn’t actually that great. In fact the reason it was character building was because you had to get over people staring and pointing you at the time, and that your Mum would cry everytime you went round for Sunday lunch and your gran spat on you and called you a pagan. Just because you do something stupid and people are mean to you for it, and after a while you stop crying and constantly claiming, “people are getting in the way of your beliefs”, doesn’t mean it’s good. As soon as you get in a relationship you realise that actually you should just chill out and have a nice time with someone who likes you, not try and accquire loads of lame hobbies and interests to make up for the fact you’re all lonely. Plus if you look like an idiot you always have someone who loves you on hand to help you ‘lose’ your bad items of clothing. Even better, burn them, because if you lose them you might find them again.
3. Getting over someone is worth it all
You know that scene in ‘Swingers’ where Jon Favreau is talking to the guy with the eyebrows, and Jon’s asking him how long it will take for him to get over his girlfriend, and eyebrow man says (misquoted):
“At first you’ll just miss her like crazy. It will drive you mad when people mention her in conversation, you’ll ring her and then hang up. Then you’ll get really angry, and you’ll hate her guts. You’ll send all her stuff back with her T-shirts cut up. But you’ll still be really bummed and you’ll call her drunk and cry. Then, so slowly you won’t ever realise it’s happening, you’ll start only thinking about her every other day. Then once a week, then once a month, then never. One day, totally out of the blue, she’ll call you to see how you’re doing. She’ll be telling you all this stuff about her constipated stripper sister, stuff you previously would have cared about, and you’ll suddenly realise you don’t care anymore. That’s how long it will take”.
Wow, I completely paraphrased that, and it was better than the original. Maybe I should send it to Jon Favreau. Or just film myself with big fake eyebrows on my face, reciting to the camera, and then stick it on YouTube. It’d become a meme in no time. Anyway, point is, sometimes it’s worth going for it and getting ruined by someone, because when you come out the other side you feel like a new person. With huge eyebrows and a weird video on YouTube.
4. People write songs and movies about it all the time
If you’re never in love you never get to use all those stock phrases people are always in songs and films. Stuff like, “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me”, or “You make me want to be a better person”, or “No sleep till Brooklyn”. Really emotional stuff like that. You know the scene in ‘Four Weddings And A Funeral’ where Andie McNabb, or whatever she’s called, is standing in front of Huge Grant, and its pissing down with rain? And as a perfect illustration of quite how much she loves Huge Grant she says, “Is it raining? I hadn’t noticed?”
See, what they’ve done there is used the juxtaposition of the torrential downpour, and her complete unawareness of it, as a colourful depiction of quite how intensely she loves a man. Get it?
When you’re single you watch that it makes you vomit and start a worldwide campaign to have Richard Curtis castrated solely for that line and the one in ‘Notting Hill’ where Julia Roberts says, “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her”. Obviously said campaign comes to nothing other than an embarrassing Facebook group, and perhaps some awkward footage of you on Sky News after you’re caught streaking in Kings Cross station on Valentines Day, screaming, “Love stinks you bastards, Richard Curtis is the Hitler of romance”. No one’s going to love you after that. But if they did you’d probably watch those films again and think that, while said scenes are disgustingly schmaltzy and ridiculous, they do in some way evoke similar feelings of love that you feel for Clint, and that perhaps it’s not that bad to buy into some of this crap. Who knows, you might end up being Mrs. Sparklehorse one day.
Love’s amazing. Deal with it.
Happy Valentines Day!
