Platform once claimed that Parkour was the worst thing ever.  Then some kid emailed Bob and called me, the author of the claim, a whiny bitch bag or something.  So I asked him to prove why it was so good.  This, my friends, is his defence.

“After Sankey ignorantly dissed it in her otherwise-good article not so long back, I thought I’d explain why parkour is in fact the best thing ever”.

WORDS: JOE COOKE

If you don’t know what parkour is, fear not - it is explained in the next three sentences. Basically it’s a physical activity involving jumping, vaulting, climbing and leaping through one’s environment as efficiently as possible. You may know it as free-running. It is closely linked to tricking, which brings all sorts of bad boy tricks and flips into the mix. Still have no idea?

Here’s why it is so mightily brilliant:

IT GIVES YOU SUPER FREEDOM

Like, you will gain the ability to do more things, go more places. Railings will be no match for you. That high ledge you’ve always wanted to sit on, well now you can.

IT GETS YOU FIT AND STRONG

Serial. By jumping around outside (like, let’s face it, you’ve always wanted to) a few times a week you do work up a bit of a sweat, which, as science probably states, keeps you fit. If you do the right sorts of movements often enough, you can develop some quite beastly muscles. Ok, not necessarily ‘beastly’, but certainly toned and useful.

Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of other ways to do this. But most will cost you big dollars and probably be quite boring.

YOU GET TO WEAR JOGGERS INCESSANTLY

Taking up parkour instantly gives you the right to wear jogging bottoms all the time. They are so loose and comfy and perfect. And you can now wear them whenever/wherever you like (even at your Nan’s funeral) because you’re a free-runner.

IT’S VERY FUN

Remember jumping and climbing about when you were a kid? Fun right? Well parkour gives you a brilliant excuse to still do this, even though you’re 22 and work in a bank.

IT LOOKS SO GOD DAMN COOL

Ok, so obviously when you’re a noob and don’t really know what you’re doing, you look like a twat. But once you get good, people will be well impressed. They may still think you’re a twat, but they will be well impressed nevertheless.

There is a slight downside: receiving orders from chavs is quite annoying. “Raaarse, do dat agen” and such like.

ALL THE GIRLS WILL LOVE YOU

Now I don’t have much evidence of this, but surely witnessing a semi-nude 18 year-old leap 10 feet between two bits of street furniture outside McDonalds pushes a few buttons.

If you are a girl who does parkour (rare), you will automatically be loved by all the boys who do parkour even if you’re a bit shit (likely).


YOU GET TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT

For some reason, whilst doing parkour, you seem to be able to get away with doing whatever you want. Like running around town in bare feet. Or hanging off signs upside-down outside Boots. Or just generally mincing around. If you do something maybe a bit too weird or truly embarrassing you can quickly make everything better with a backflip.

BAD GUYS

You will now easily be able to escape them and whatever bad things (rape) they were definitely going to do to you.