I was just brainstorming some blog ideas with Robert, and he suggested something about how dating works these days. Good idea, but I have no clue actually, since I’ve been in a relationship with the same woman for eight years now. Honestly, I don’t envy you kids with your social media dating and your hidden sex tapes and whatever other science fiction shit you get up to when it comes time to bone. Although it might have been nice to be able to instantly look up every single potential partner in her underwear on the internet back when I was single. I really dropped the ball on that one, science. On the other hand, I do know how to make a long term relationship work. Here’s some advice:
LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE
A significant other isn’t like a pet, although you should probably get used to the smell of their shit and making sure that they’re fed ever day. Going on walks together is pretty nice too. Never mind, they are sort of like pets. But the point is it’s ok to leave them at home for extended periods of time. I have good friends that I’ve been hanging out with for years, doing, let’s say… activities that my lady friend is too smart to indulge in. “Where’s your girl?” they still ask every time, not realizing that it’s not imperative that you drag your s.o. out to every single event or show or after hours you attend for the rest of your life.
So your man isn’t into shopping, or a certain band you love, or going to the gym or sitting up all night starting at each other and smoking a thousand cigarettes while you talk about how killer that one Oasis b-side was 15 years ago? Simple solution: don’t make him go with you to those things. Weird, right? My girlfriend doesn’t like shitty metal bands and scenester dance parties like I do, mostly because she’s a mature adult who doesn’t pretend she’s 22 years old and actually has a real job. So when it’s time for me to punch in for my side gig as hipster Peter Pan, she gives me a kiss, says “have fun” and goes back to doing whatever weird shit she does when I’m not around. (Staring at the wall? Not sure.)
One of the single biggest mistakes that people in unstable relationships make is thinking that it’s some sort of failure if they don’t spend every waking moment attached at the hip and/or vagina. That’s well and good at the beginning when you need to rub as much of your sweat and pheromones as you can all over them to mark your territory. It doesn’t last. Or it shouldn’t, anyway. Sometimes you grow to share each other’s interest, which is awesome — what’s more fun than going to see “your band” together and singing along to every song together? Not much. But a lot of times someone else’s hobbies are just that: someone else’s hobbies. I used to drag my girl to all sorts of shit she didn’t want to be at, then she’d want to go home, and I’d resent that I had to leave early, and vice-versa. Then it occurred to us — wait, I’ll see you in a couple hours! I’m ghost.
When you’re young and stupid you consider “bad taste” a deal breaker. You break up with someone because they didn’t like a band or a book or a movie that you considered so important to your personal mythology that you couldn’t envision yourself staying with this otherwise lovely person. That’s teenager bullshit. A boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t an accessory you wear on your arm like a tattoo. They aren’t a Facebook wall that advertises your set of cultural “likes.” They should be a person that you’re into enough that you can leave them alone for a couple damn hours while they go pursue whatever godawful shit they’re into when they aren’t lying to make you feel better about the godawful shit you’re into. That’s called being mature: lying only about the important things.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIKE ALL THEIR FRIENDS, JUST SOME OF THEM
Same rules apply when it comes to their friends: you don’t have to pretend to like them all just to conform to expectations of how a relationship is supposed to work. Trust me, a lot of your friends suck. I know this because the vast majority of people in the world suck, it’s just simple arithmetic. So let’s say she has some snooty girlfriend that thinks you’re “weird” because you don’t have, I don’t know, “a job” or “any future.” Who cares? They were friends before you came along, and if you blow this one, they’ll be friends long after too. Let them do their thing. Some of your guy friends might be really into sports, or getting wasted, or band rehearsal, or comic books or any number of other girl-repellent activities. You’re not inviting her to join the fantasy football league or poker game, are you? So it doesn’t matter that she thinks your boy is a prick. Unless she’s actually into that stuff too, in which case, right on. Also, what’s her number?
That said, you’d better at least scrape together one or two presentable friends you can pull around to couples events, double dates and weekend getaways and the like. Going out to dinner together just the two of you for the ten thousandth time doesn’t seem like a thing, but if you invite one of her friends or one of yours along – provided that person can string together an hour or two of reasonable conversation – then it’s more interesting for everyone. Bringing a friend along is like going to see a movie before dinner, it gives you something to talk about when you get home, even if it’s just about how fucked up it was.
DON’T BE A SPY
Remember those abstract jumbled paintings they used to sell at the mall where you had to stare at them for an hour before they took shape into something like a dolphin or a badass bro spiking a volleyball? That’s what’s going on when you start staring at your s.o.’s Facebook for too long. You start thinking you see shit that isn’t there. Love is a drug, right? Well, in this case jealousy-trolling is like staring out the blinds at 6 am thinking that flashing red light down the road is the cops getting ready to break down your door any second. Sometimes a winky emoticon from some web-cam slut is just a winky emoticon from a web-cam slut (Freud said that). Does the dude at work that posts on your girl’s wall want to fuck her? Of course he does, but that doesn’t mean you need to spend all your time worrying about it. First of all, look at this putz. Sick hat, bro.
That’s how things go south real quick in a relationship. The basic breakdown is this: assume everyone your girl or boyfriend talks to is trying to bang them, but then don’t worry about it until you’re forced to. I don’t want to get mauled by a fucking bear and dragged back to his bear house to be eaten, but I don’t exactly spend all my time worrying that it’s going to happen. Besides, they can smell the fear on you. Girlfriends, I mean.
DON’T LOSE YOUR EDGE
It’s pretty common for people in long term relationships to let their shit go all floppy and unkempt. They’re already shacked up, so who have they got to impress anymore, right? How about the person who has to look at that naked mess of a body every day? Even if you’re not boning all the time anymore it’s still important to come correct. Here’s a good test for whether or not you should be actually worried about that Facebook jealousy stuff I mentioned above: poke yourself in the stomach. Are you a fat turd? Then the answer is yes.
You never know when you’re going to get dumped, so it’s important to be prepared. A bad break up helps you lose weight, sure, but you want to be able to hit the ground running as soon as the shit hits the fan. Think of preparing for a break up like being prepared for a hurricane or a zombie attack and stocking up on bottled water and shotgun ammo in your basement. Sure, you hope it never comes, but just in case, you’re ready to blow some fucker’s head off. Don’t take it too far though, because that’s telegraphing your move. One of the surest signs your ass is about to get dropped is when you’re girlfriend or boyfriend starts losing a ton of weight out of nowhere.
LAUGHING IS THE NEW FUCKING
Laughing is basically an orgasm that comes out of your mouth instead of the other way around. You’ll want to get used to that, since after a few years you’re probably not going to be doing the latter every day anymore. Sorry, that’s just how it works. I didn’t invent the rules. There’s a reason that you’ve heard this routine from every single stand up comedian ever, and that’s because it’s true. Show me a couple that’s been fucking every day for ten years and I’ll show you a couple of really insecure liars.
When you’ve been together for a long time, other things start to take priority over getting one off. Like catching up on all the stuff recorded on your DVR or scrubbing the bathtub. And besides, you’re not going to be fucking the person you spend the rest of your life with after the age of like fifty-five or sixty or so anyway, unless you are, in which case that’s fucking gross dude. You’re going to need something else to fall back on that brings you close together on a physical, impulsive level. Being able to make each other laugh is vital then.
When I think about getting old together with my beautiful, hilarious, intelligent lady, I don’t envision us fucking on the beach or in front of a fireplace while smooth slow jams play on the stereo, lotioning-up one another’s wrinkled asses. I think about us talking about our day, about the funny things that happened to us, and trying to make each other burst out laughing with a silly joke that no one else in the world would appreciate. Laughter is based on surprise, right? Anytime you can surprise your s.o. after years of being together, that’s a pretty good sign that you’re doing something right. Plus, just think about all the new technological advances in porn they’re going to have by the time we get old. I can hardly wait.
Oh, and one more thing:
DON’T POST PHOTOS OF HER ON THE INTERNET WITHOUT ASKING FIRST
Woops. All of that advice up there is probably moot, since she’s probably gonna be pissed that I posted these photos without asking first. So, I guess I’ve had a pretty good run. Someone write an article on how to meet new people after having been involved for years, because I’m probably gonna need it. Thanks in advance.
You’ll find waaaaaaaay more sage advice from Luke at Put That Shit On The List…. Go check it folks xxx