It’s really cold in London at the moment and I’ve got no money, so I’ve been staying in watching a lot of movies. I watch about two a night, one serious one for the main course and then Semi Pro or something along those lines for desserts.

Real life is a lot like movies, so today I’m discussing bitches in movies, because earlier in the week I wrote this thing about girls in movies I’d like to marry. Obviously, it’s really just an excuse to talk about different kinds of the bitches that are out there in real life as well. Are you keeping up?

(I decided not to mention obvious ones like the bunny boiler or the woman in Misery, because those girls are mentally ill and it’s not fair to make fun of them, as they have genuine problems. We’re not in medieval times folks, grow up. You wouldn’t point and laugh at a Downs kid would you?)

Jake’s ex-fiance in Blues Brothers

She’s played by Princess Leia and yeeeeesh is she pissed off. She keeps trying to kill Jake and Elwood the whole way through the movie and she’s invested a lot of money into it – a rocket launcher must have cost thousands of dollars even in 1980. She’s constantly trying to off Jake and Elwood in a variety of ways because she’s still mad at Jake after left her at the alter and embarrassed her in front of her friends and family.

I guess it’s fine to not like him because of those things, but there are two things that make Princess Leia in brown chords a bitch here: firstly, let it go bitch, you can’t carry that shit around with you your whole life, and that kind of bitterness really shows up on your face- you’re obviously into getting married and stuff if you’re so upset about being jilted by a petty criminal who just spent three years in Joliet, so why not move on and find a new guy. You’ll try and go on dates with all that angry baggage and the guy will sniff it out and not want to date you again, because being all twisted up about an ex is very unattractive and makes you seem like a bitch.

Secondly, why is she so into killing Elwood as well as Jake? He’s done nothing except be his brother’s brother! She obviously spent the whole relationship blaming Jake and her problems on his friends and family, which is the worst thing ever. Anyone can think what they want about anyone- your boyfriend’s buddies might all be worthless drug addicts who steal from orphanages and his family might all be buck toothed racist hicks, but try and emotionally blackmail him to leave them behind for you and you’re basically human Scientology and a total bitch.

The mother in About A Boy

I eat up this kind of schmaltz with a spoon when I know no one’s looking. I can watch Nick Hornby/Judd Apatow type bromantic comedies all day and all night because I like seeing mediocre men succeed with 9s and, frankly, sometimes they really nail it with inner monologue/capturing the middle class white male experience stuff.

This movie is about a guy who is essentially an overgrown spoilt brat who lives off his dad’s Christmas song royalties who meets this kid who is now the twink in A Single Man whose mother is just the worst. She’s super right on to the point of not letting him have a CD player and making him wear sandals to school, plus she really pities herself and goes to all these meetings and even tries to kill herself, allowing her poor 12 year old son to find her.

The actual point of the movie is that she slowly learns to be less self involved and selfish and lets her son live his own life, and all the points about how being too right on is bad are made by the film itself, but that kid has already been fucked up by her weird ‘If it’s brown flush it down, if it’s yellow let it mellow’ hippy shit. She robbed him of his childhood. Sure, at the end of the movie he’s hanging out with a wallet chain and looking relaxed, but I bet he’s still weird about making friends and doesn’t know about tv. You know how kids who were raised mormon get to college and lose it on drugs? That’s what’s bound to happen to him. Plus there’s always something icky about people raised weirdly, you can tell that they’re not normal. His mother is a bitch for doing that to him.

Cruella De Vil

Fashion girls are hard work. They’re all super demure and severe looking and fucking horrible to their interns in the most vicious, vindictive ways possible because their bosses are vicious and vindictive to them etc etc. It’s a self perpetuating cycle in an industry build entirely by thin homosexuals whose dads hate them and private school girls with low self esteem, and it seems to make everyone into a bitch within three years.

Cruella is obviously a nasty piece of work because she’s killing a bunch of dalmations for her coat, but also she’s so fucking rude to the people around her, it’s the most unpleasant thing. She’s always yelling at those two Dick Van Dyke type ne’er-do-wells she’s got on puppy skinning duty in the most disrespectful ways, belittling them, bullying them and being extremely unreasonable.

You might be on a deadline or whatever Cruella, but manners cost nothing, and respect in the workplace is essential. You can get that wild eyed, frantic, Diet Coke and cigarettes fuelled rage and take it out on your subordinates, but its not going to change the fact you’re going to go back to the flat you share with your gay best friend who you’ve been in love with since college and his boyfriend, listen to them have sex in the next room, watch Footloose, not have any dinner and cry that no man could ever love you because you’re so prickly, stressed out, unhealthy and unpleasant to deal with on a personal level.

Clay Pigeons lady

I never saw or heard of this movie til the other night when Channel 4 put it on at 1am, I didn’t watch it to the end and I am not really sure if it’s particularly of note, but the woman in this movie was the biggest bitch I ever saw.

What happens is, this guy (Joaquin Phoenix) is having an affair with his best friend’s girlfriend, his best friend finds out and kills himself and tries to frame Joaquin, Joaquin goes over to this girl’s house all cut up about it and she just wants to carry on fucking straight away and says all these terrible things about the guy who just died.

Callousness is a pretty terrible thing, and when even the guy you’re cheating with is feeling bad about the guy you’re cheating on (sure, they don’t always die, but maybe something like he buys you an iPod or cries when he  finds out you might be leaving him), then at least feign feeling bad for a bit as well or the guy you’re cheating with will be all ‘well, she’s just a cheater’ and will never trust you or take you seriously when you think you want to get serious with him. Plus, he’ll think you’re a fucking bitch.

PS I don’t hate women, swearsies.

SIMULTANEOUSLY POSTED ON STREET CARNAGE.