On our continuing journey into the depraved, in search of sexual enlightenment, it seemed only fair to pay homage to the social lubricant that makes human intercourse possible, achievable, and harmonious for so many.
Basically, the bottom line is that drugs are a surefire way to massage your self-esteem and feeling of general self worth, creating an ‘aren’t I the fucking bomb’ feeling of elation. Now every boy and girl out there knows that a confident soul is generally a highly fuckable/desirable one. So the drugged up alter ego is generally one that is more attractive to fuck, and perhaps more in the mood for fucking (there are obviously some gigantic exceptions to this rule).
Where this amazing bit of chemistry breaks down is that at times the explosions of great and horny feelings will be combined with the physical inability to get it up, stick it in, finish off, or all of the above. Drugs may make you feel like fucking, but they may also completely sabotage your ability to do so.
Here are a few stories…
1. Coke
The most obvious one on the list, Coke is the sexy drug of choice. However, it is very much a double-edged sword. One edge gets you riled up for boundary-free sexy time love making, the other leaves the guys with a floppy flaccid boner. Here are tales from the two extremes.
Hard Cock:
“Making love” goes out the window, it’s just pure fucking. Some men report floppy cocks from doing coke, it has the opposite effect on me - my rod turns into effectively a large glass dildo that is rock hard but has no feeling in it whatsoever. Three hours later of brutal fanny bashing later and I’m still whipping the dead horse. I’ve had some great sex on coke, but it depends how much you’ve done I suppose. If I’m fully charged up they’re left with a sore fanny but a nice dry chin.”
Floppy Cock
“I’d always laughed at my friends who’d had erection problems. The idea of ‘curling it in’ was foreign to me. That was until I discovered the droop-inducing formula of chang, alcohol and cannabis.
Id been chasing this girl for weeks, and finally, at a party one night, she invited herself back to mine. We got home and did some lines of coke and smoked a joint, then she jumped me. I was so horny that I wanted to burst and we went at it like animals. She pulled my jeans and pants down and pulled out my cock, but to my absolute horror it was completely flaccid – I was horny as fuck but totally limp?! She proceeded to give me a blow job, but after half an hour of sucking on my dead slug there was no progress at all, not even a semi. It looked like she was chewing an elastic band then letting it ping back.
I decided I’d try going down in her instead and positioned myself so I could get my hand down between my legs and try working myself into some kind of solidity. By the time she’d cum about three times, it was getting on for an hour since we’d started our sexy escapade, and there was still no life in the old boy.
I was so horny now that I wanted to cry, so I decided I would just get it in somehow. I didn’t care what it took. First, I went for the straight approach, feeding the tip in first then hoping I could push the rest in by force. But instead it kind of concertinered and folded itself in half. It didn’t take long to realise that this was no fun for anyone though so I had to try something else. I thought maybe if I just put it between her legs, and she gripped it tight, I could work up some moisture and it might slide in of its own accord. But again, this did nothing, and she had totally lost her mojo so there was no lubrication going on.
Another hour or so went by, trying different techniques, toys and makeshift lubes, but it was a lost cause. Finally we gave up and she was alseep instantly… I wanted to die. The following morning I awoke with the most painfully hard stiffy and it was the greatest relief of my life. Delighted I rolled over to show her, and hopefully get the action I had tried so hard for the night before. Unsurpisingly she was gone…”
Finally, and most importantly, you should really know that the physical exertion of sex - mixed with heartbeat increasing narcotics - can actually kill you.
Heart Attack Cock:
“Another friend had been hitting on this girl all night, and we were all gakked off our heads. She was totally into him and it was all going swimmingly, I think they were in the toilets and he was mid doing her up the ass when he was hit by an overwhelming searing chest pain… pulled out and rolled over in agony gasping for life on the floor. Rumour has it a fleck of poo flew out her ass and hit him on the cheek… ”
Pills / MDMA
These make you feel nice and lovely and warm and great… so work pretty well with sex - in theory.
“Really good, lots of fanny noshing and snogging and whatnot, the opposite of coke. Crystal is better than pills because the speed in some pills ain’t no good for cocks. I would highly recommend it, maybe while listening to Arcade Fire or something.”
However, they can make you wobbley, gurny and at times hysterical…
“I was wasted after a clubnight the other night and back at a flat with a whole heap of people. So I got speaking to this young vixen whilst taking lines of MDMA in a bedroom and she blurts out that she’s going to get her clit pierced the following day. I hear myself saying that I’m an expert on clit piercings, and I should probably check her pussy to make sure it was ok for the ring?! So anyway she and I whack back a line, she grabbed me into the toilet where she sat up on the sink and then pulled up her denim miniskirt to reveal no panties, at which point she then looked at me willingly. Unwilling to break character, I checked her coochie out and after I say a load of nonsense about correct placement for maximum clitoral pleasure versus aesthetic appeal I fall back arse over tit into the bathtub behind me unable to stop laughing, at this point I was promptly but sustainably raped, and it was one of the best fucks I’ve ever had. Drugs rule. Sex rules more”
Acid:
Sex on acid has huge potential to go wrong. However as one friend pointed out (and it’s actually remarkably hard to find that many friends that have had sex on acid - we’re in the wrong era) if acid goes wrong sex is pretty unlikely to be on the menu.
“If you’re having a bad trip from the start, sex is something you’re pretty unlikely to be taking part in. More likely you’ll be curled up in a corner, hugging a cushion, waiting for the world to emplode and take you away with it. SO – if you are having sex, you’re most likely to be on a good trip already, in which case things are just really amazing and awesome and intense and great. I made a kid the last time I had sex on acid, so shit must be working right?”
“Me and my then Mrs took acid while we were in bed together. It ranged from being utterly amazing to intensely weird. I felt as if we’d melted into one person with coloured waves of energy coming out the top of our joint head…”
Woo. Fun!
Ketamine
This one is oh so dose dependent. Sex with a lil dab of woozey powder seems to be a go-er, sex in a K hole is unsurprisingly not (note - horses pictured have not had any ketamine).
“Totally battered on a few substances but mostly ketamine, I was on the verge of completely sinking and went into this surreal dream of having multi-tentacled sex with this… thing. When I opened my eyes and kind of came to, I was having some sort of sex with my girlfriend. Fucking fucked up, but pretty cool though.”
“I know a lad whose girlfriend wanted him to fuck her while she was in a hole. He agreed and slotted in, but after a couple of minutes he felt like he was a date rapist/necrophiliac and bailed out.”
There are some fans of K hole sex out there, I fear they may well be mad.
“I slipped right into the deepest trance I’d ever been in. I could not (or did not want to) walk, talk, sit up, or do anything, but I was intensely aware of me, myself, and me some more. I lay on the bed with my eyes closed. It was extremely visual. Projected on my eyelids were quickly moving three-dimensional fractal-like patterns, one after the other. I had multiple eyegasms!
“I call K hole sex “Zen sex.” With my newfound understanding of how less could be more,”
Bor-ring.
Poppers
“Do a big huff just as you’re about to bolt; it blows your head off and makes you feel like you’ve got a fire hose for a knob…”
Poppers rule… The End.