Finding love can be tricky, even in these days of Twitbook on Myface. So imagine how easy it would be if your lover was held captive, not just emotionally through methods of mild manipulation and moderate control freakery, but physically hostage in a small confined space. Their only escape from the four grey walls surrounding them being romantic odes of love penned by your fair hand.
Sounds good? Then maybe you should date an inmate.
WORDS: ELIZABETH SANKEY
This wonderful website aims to unite lonely prisoners with their possible true loves. I think the fence behind the photos was a stroke of pure genius. Really sets the scene, and puts a context to your romance. Nothing better than context.
Ryan
The first dreamboat to catch my eye is 20 year old Ryan. There’s something kind and generous in his wide eyes and open smile, and that’s a nice shirt. However, when he says, “I look exactly like my picture” I began to have doubts. Of course he looks like his picture – it’s a picture of him – so why does he need to state that? And then to qualify it by saying he looks EXACTLY like his picture…so he’s wandering around the yard, every day, wearing that nice shirt with what? A piece of sofa fabric stretched behind him, the same slightly gormless (how quickly the worm turns) look on his face? Not to mention how positioning his neck like that FOR THE REST OF TIME is going to necessitate repeated visits to the swedish prison masseuse (I smell a cheating rat). In short, I have doubts. Still, one of his main interests is working out, so he must be pretty ripped.
Christopher
I don’t generally like my men rough and ready. I don’t generally go for bad boys, what’s the appeal? They never have any money, and you can’t take the piss out of them without having a hardcore tattooed grouch fest on your hands. But have you read the text for Christopher? Sure his photo is of one serious Matha Facka – he has plaits for fucks sake, how badass do you have to be to have plaits? Answer: rather bad ass indeed. Yet he’s scribed a description of himself like an angel. He opens with, “Please, no fair weather friends”…Err amazing. I just checked the google and the last time that phrase was used was in the Spring of 1956. So what could be better than a hooded danger-merchant who waxes lyrical like a caddish fop from the fifties? Hugh Grant circa Four Weddings meets Ice Cube on a bad day. This one is a keeper.
Andrew
I can’t actually extend my heartless mocking to Drew. How great is that photo? It’s all about the symmetrical positioning of the hands. And he starts his post, “What’s up?” You know, no one has asked me, “What’s up?” for fucking ages. My work mates don’t care about me, no one cares about me. Maybe Drew would care about me. And I love that he wants to engage in conversation on a “kickback level”. That is all I have ever wanted. My level of discussion is all about the kickback. I genuinely might write to this guy.
Dustan
What a name. What a dog. What a pair of trousers. Now Dustan’s been very clever here - he’s realised that small dogs are very popular amongst those of the female persuasion. Who knows what it is we find so appealing about those long-legged hamsters, those squirming silky rats. Maybe it’s the way they yap relentlessly and remind us of Satan caught in a mousetrap, or maybe it’s the way they pee all over everything all the pissing time, or maybe it’s that we’re expected to purr and coo over them when our douchebag mate presents one tucked into her handbag. OH MY FUCKING GOD I HATE SMALL DOGS. Anyway. Some girls don’t and probably Dustan would much rather seduce one of them than me (it didn’t say WLTM lame-ass internet blogger anywhere on his personal did it? No. Did any of the personals say that? No). He’s also made the brave decision to pose topless which was a marvellous stroke of genius as he seems to have spent a few hours down the David LLoyd (that’s not inyourendo). So not only do you get a small dog, you get a buff ting. That’s enough to make me forget any concerns I might have over his past misdemeanours.
Daniel
I adore this photo. I adore that he’s gone to a ‘professional’ photographic studio and posed in front of a background of a beautiful blue sky. And I adore that he’s settled on the squatting pose, which incidentally seems to be a very popular position for the inmates on the site. Daniel says he enjoys working and “making his own money” (perhaps that’s why he’s an inmate?), and is open to relationships with women between the ages of 18 to 40 - generous. But I don’t think he needed to say any of that, the photo is a winner on it’s own, I might write to him to see how he keeps his trainers so sparkling white.
In emo conclusion…it’s kind of wonderful to know that everyone, in every walk of life, is looking for love. And there will always be the right person out there (or in there) for you. So stop being prejudiced and make your future happen today.
(I was going to do some girl personals but they were all REALLY RANK).
