Of course they will win. And of course we know what’ll happen…
December 2009
Jedward wins the X Factor! Their single ‘It Takes 2 2 Tumble’ becomes the Christmas Number 1 knocking Black Eyed Peas ‘Baby (You’re Like A Hotdog, hotdog)’ off the top spot.
March 2010
Following a three month ‘hiatus’ (during which time they team up with Jacobs to bring us the ‘Jedward’ range of Tuc cheesy sandwich biscuits) their debut album ‘The Jon And Edward Experience’ is released via CD, download and reversible hologram. It features the songs ‘Seeing Double!’ and ‘Deuces Are Wild’. When asked for her opinion about their classic cover of ‘Oops I Did It Again’ (which is included), Britney Spears confusingly answers: ‘I LOVE Britain!’
April 2010
The album hits Number One, knocking Klaxons’ long awaited follow-up masterpiece, ’Bony Idols Of Christeyes’, off the top spot.
August 2010
Rumours abound that they are ‘in talks’ to star in their own Disney series, a 12 part version of ‘The Parent Trap’ co-starring Steve Guttenburg, Raven Symone and the snarky cartoon dog from ‘Up’. But these plans never materialise.
November 2010
The duo announce their Christmas single; a controversial re-imagining of Kylie and Jason’s ‘Especially For You’. There are 2 different versions available. The first is a spunky, full throttle version with Big Brother twins Samanda, which hits the top spot. The 2nd is a spoken word effort recorded with The Olsens. The folksy, mainly acoustic version courts controversy when it is claimed Mary Kate can be heard singing ‘I can’t find a vein’ to the melody of ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ in the background of the chorus.
February 2011
Work begins on Jon And Edward’s second album in LA with RedOne. The producer is quoted as saying “We’re going to turn these twins into four times what they’re worth. It’s going to be like an eighth to the the power of two.” No one is sure what he means.
February 2011
Jon and Edward make a surprise public apperance at the Brit Awards in February. During Lady Ga Ga’s elaborately choreographed ‘Poker Face’ the duo are seen emerging from under her 25 foot dress encased in plastic eggs. They are covered in what appears to be ‘after birth’ and briefly do the ‘I’m trapped in a box’ dance before disappearing off stage.
May 2011
The RedOne sessions are mysteriously abandoned with no explanation.
Later it’s revealed in Jon Harris’ book : ‘The Age Of The Hedge Quiff’ that Jon had trouble doing the “Red One” shout out at the beginning of every track. Not for moral reasons, no, he literally couldn’t say the words. Instead saying “Ra Wa” while vaguely foaming at the mouth. RedOne walks out, twittering (in a post that was later deleted) :”At least Heidi from the Sugababes could say my name. Jeez.”
July 2011
Following crisis talks with their label, Jon And Edward hastily go into the studio with Dappy from N Dubz. The resultant one off single ‘Hatz Off 2 The Twinz’ tops the ringtone chart but only gets to Number 33 on the real charts.
August 2011
It’s quietly announced that the twins have been dropped from their label.
November 2011
Edward announces a ‘permanent sabbatical’ from his twin. So much so that he gets a restraining order taken out against him. In a statement written largely with emoticons, Edward says he’s going to concentrate on ‘TV projects’. As it turns out he means he will be watching a lot of the ‘Dave’ channel. Jon vows to solider on. He says he will keep on performing solo, but under the name ‘Jon And Edward’.
May 2011
Edward publishes his autobiography; “Twin Peaked: My Story”. A serialisation in The Daily Express reveals that their bouffant hair quiffs were fake! Edward claims ‘Jon couldn’t sing any of the high bits’ and that ‘I carried him the whole time’! Most startlingly was that he now believes his now estranged twin ‘is probably not related to me at all, actually’!
Jon refutes Edward’s claims. Edward is taking legal action to prevent Jon from using the name ‘Jon And Edward’ in his act.
September 2011
Edward wins his legal case. Jon is now performing under the name ‘The Original Jedward’ .
Edward recently updated his Facebook status saying: “Am now watching more ITV2 than Dave”
