Cool things I will never do

Here’s a list of things that would be fucking cool to do that I never will.

Have a motorbike

I would love to have a motorbike, but not a superbike where you’d have to wear a gross onesie covered in sponsorship decals, and look all sweaty with my helmet in my hands, eating a Cumberland sausage at a motorway service station on my way to the Bulldog Fest with my fat friends. The kind of bike I would like would be a Vincent Black Lightning 1952 (above), because of the song, which is the greatest song about being a rebel ever written. I’d get a decent leather jacket, ride it with no helmet, put girls on the back of it and ride too fast down country lanes all summer long.

But I’m never going to get one, because ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Motorbikes are the most stupid things in the entire world! They’re essentially engines strapped to wheels, and not even four wheels, just two! There’s such a thing as cars, guys! They’re a million times safer! You come off a motorbike or have even a little collision you almost always die, or you go over the front and lose your fucking dick on the handlebars (that happens ALL THE TIME) -then the thing that made you more of a man will have rendered you half a man. Fuck motorbikes.

Go to prison

I don’t really think the actual experience of going to prison would be fun (although I’ve heard you get Sky in your cell and sometimes a PS3 if you’re well behaved), what I’m more interested in doing is saying I’ve been to prison, and garnering the hushed respect of my peers. In a sort of, “oh, Bob’s been inside for a bit, he’s a bit cagey about talking about it’ kind of way (although I wouldn’t cagey about it, you wouldn’t be able to shut me up), then people would think I was truly rugged and raw, and girls would be a bit scared of me, but in that way where they’re scared but attracted to me because I did something terrible and I’ve paid my penance to society but not to myself.

But the reality is I never do anything really wrong, and I don’t feel the need to. Since I’ve been sober I’ve probably broken the law about 1000 times, but they were all cycling offenses, and no one is going to put me away for them BECAUSE IM TOO FUCKING FAST AND THEY’LL NEVER CATCH ME. Also, the other thing is prison is bound to be fucking horrible, and I could never cope. I know two people who have been to prison who are 100000 times harder than me, and they cried like babies every night they were there. Being a ponce from the home counties, someone would fuck me in the shower almost immediately like that white collar criminal gets fucked in OZ, and I’m so lazy I’d be in trouble with the wardens all the time for not making my bed or getting up on time. It would be like boarding school all over again, and I fucking hated boarding school.

Have four way sex

There’s a lot of people uglier than me that have achieved a threesome, I know one guy who has done it about ten times (he is REALLY charming), and in this sexually permissive climate I don’t see it as impossible that one day, after a lot of laughing and joking and falling onto each other, if the stars were really, really aligned, I had a shitload of cocaine to give them and iot was dark enough so they couldn’t see my blemishes, I could convince two girls to do it with each other and me at the same time. I reckon this would definitely happen if I joined a touring band that has had at least four pages in the NME– those guys have pile ons practically every night, I hear northern indie groupies will do anything.

So yeah, a threesome may yet happen for me, but a foursome? As in, not two couples (that’s gross) but me and three girls, that is just not possible. I cannot imagine a situation where I would manage to be funny enough and have enough coke AND meet three really up for it girls who weren’t going to be dragged off by other better looking, funnier men. The other thing is, I think about four ways all the time when I’m having some special alone time, but even in my head, how would it ever work logistically? There’d always be one person sitting it out, or it’d just break off into two sections, If everyone piled onto each other i cant see how it wouldn’t be incredibly awkward, even the porn I’ve looked at to research this has looked so uncomfortable, and they are professionals. I think I’m just going to stick with aiming for a nice easy to attain target like a threeway and be satisfied with that.

Kate Moss

Yep. I would do Kate Moss. Quelle Surprise, as they say in France. Kate Moss does it with guys who are younger than her all the time, she also does it with guys who are way poorer than her and guys that aren’t as famous as her. I am all of those things. If I was in the right place at the right time, and was maybe able to look badly behaved or like a complete bellend (she likes that look), then I reckon I could have at least a 10 per cent chance of making it happen.  I’m pretty serious, I mean, she;’s incredible looking and she can have anyone she wants, but she’s pretty up for stuff too, I don’t think she’s too fussed who it’s with. I reckon if a four way was ever going to happen, it would be with her, I’ve heard some great stories about her and Sadie Frost getting up to all sorts in Primrose Hill.

But none of that is going to happen now is it? Is she going to marry that guy? His face looks like a crumpled leather jacket and he doesn’t look like he showers too much. I guess she’s into that though. He’s not even a rich guy, his band can’t have sold a lot of records, they’re fucking shit, so why is she signing her life away to him? The truth is, I don’t think she is, I reckon as long as she’s on the blow she’ll be up for stuff, so my only way to get to do it with KM is to keep her out of rehab, because if she gets sober she’ll settle down and she won’t be up for club toilet fumbles with younger douchebags anymore. I’m actually holding out a little hope for this one, I wouldn’t even mind being the ‘rock bottom’ that addicts are always talking about that she sinks to. Maybe I’ll be her wake up call, she’ll see me lying next to her and check into the Priory that morning. I won’t mind, I will have done it with Kate Moss.