Overly masculine men are suppressing their innate homosexual tendencies. Don’t let those blokes down the pub hear you say this, but they definitely are, the big raving queers. Men have enjoyed being carnal with each other since ancient Greek men used to hang out naked in their bath houses together. The Roman army was a hothouse of gay sex, and the ancient Chinese were rampant queers, it’s well known. So when I picked up a copy of Nuts magazine, which is about as masculine as Roy Keane’s blood stained jock strap, I couldn’t help but notice how gay it is, and how hard it tries to deny its gayness. My only experiences of reading lads’ mags are in the changing rooms at sports matches. The other lads were trying to out-macho each other by reading magazines with naked women in them, and making sure everyone else knew what they were reading. I remember Nuts being one of them, because it has a lot of big tits in it. In this edition, there are 202 breasts on show. I think the boys doth protest too much.

So many Nuts readers clearly watch Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor, two of the campest shows on television. But to cover up how potentially gay it is, they’ve pitted the two against each other to ’slug it out,’ like big, camp barbarians. It’s really just an excuse for the Nuts boys to wear sequinned trousers and have their photos taken looking all spangly.

If you like Jordan, you’re a self-hating homosexual. You have chosen a grotesque parody of womanhood to chase away that queer fear.

Men may wish to believe that girl-on-girl action is hot because they can see girls getting hot and steamy, but without having their view spoiled by another man. It’s also because homosexuality is hot. Just not if there’s blokes involved, squire. I was never confused…

A lot of the content in Nuts is generated by its readers rather than its staff. With people like Bob Foster working for them, I can see why.

There is nothing more masculine than war. All wars are fought by men, holed up for months on end with only other men for company, in the interests of men. But the reasons for killing other men goes beyond geopolitics and deep into the male psyche. Think about the sexual imagery involved in describing domination- “the Brits got bent over by the Taliban in Helmand.” Homosexual acts were so rife in the British army during World War I that they had to make buggery punishable by death. And why doesn’t the U.S. army want openly gay men in the military? For fears that its supposedly straight soldiers won’t protect the sanctity of their rectums as well as they should.

They can joke, but it’s true.