Cleavage is so passé. It’s been done to death by Jordan et al and frankly, it’s a little bit boring. Girls need a new weapon in the battle for male attention. One that will get them noticed. And that weapon, my friends, is the camel toe.

WORDS: LISA BOWMAN

It’s the classier cleavage – it’s just a hint, a mere suggestion at what’s underneath. Hoisted up boobs and low cut tops? So vulgar. So slutty. Subtly highlighting your cooch? So chic.

It’s a serious win-win situation – guys LOVE it. Google ‘camel toe’ and you’ll find more fan sites than you can shake a stick at. One enamoured young male seeing this picture of Megan Fox wrote:‘I never thought that Megan Fox in sweat pants would be hotter than Megan Fox in a barely-there dress, but when those sweat pants are showing off some major Megan Fox Cameltoe, well, yeah, sweatpants FTW!’ I’ve no idea what ‘FTW’ stands for but I’m getting strong vibes that this guy is LOVING the Fox’s foof. He didn’t even mention her rack. A-mazing!

So you’re probably looking down at your crotch and thinking, “Okay great, but how do I get me one of those” Well it just so happens you’ve come to the right place. Here’s your 5-step guide to looking hot to trot…

HOW TO WORK THE CAMEL TOE

1. TITS IN. TOE OUT.  (or hooters in. hoof out.)

You know the short skirt/low-cut top rule (i.e one or the other)? Well the same goes for camel toe and cleavage. Put your boobs away. Right away. You’ve found something way better. If you had a Nokia 3210 and someone gave you a Blackberry would you keep using the Nokia? No lady, no you wouldn’t.

The following is a beautiful example.

Apparently this lovely lady is Ice T’s wife. She’s also a Playboy model. And she’s clearly got breasts. Huge breasts. (Are they inflatable?? Wow). But because she’s decided to showcase her vulva today she’s covered up her chest, thus making her the epitome of class. And the owner of a divine camel toe. Ice T is a very lucky man.

Jessica Simpson on the other hand is so fucking trashy and has chosen to highlight not only her magnificent camel toe (seriously, it’s captivating, I can’t stop looking) but also her ridiculously large ZZ cups. It’s not only vulgar (it completely cheapens her look) but also extremely unnecessary. When you’ve got such an amazing snatch, there’s just no need for breasts. Put them away, JEEZ.

2. GET A BRAZILIAN

The less hair down there, the better. Hell, get a full-on wax. The smoother you are, the better your outline will be. You might end up with a crotch that resembles a freshly plucked chicken but hey, like that’s gonna be an issue when all the boys are eyeing your vag and your vag only. Get to the salon, bitches.

3. GO COMMANDO

Let’s get this straight - underwear is out to sabotage your camel toe. It’s the layer preventing you from being camel-cool. The less layers you have, the more accentuated your beef curtains will be. (I can’t believe I wrote that either.) If going commando leaves you cold (literally), then mesh knickers are a happy medium. I guess. If you’re a complete WIMP.

4. LYCRA IS YOUR FRIEND

Leggings are your camel toe fail-safe.  The thinner, the tighter, the better. (That’s the material, by the way, not you.) Cheapo leggings that are so thin they’re almost tights (oh hi there New Look) are ideal. Just make sure they’re super tight, especially at the crotch. Buy a size too small. No-one will notice your vomit-inducing muffin top when you’re rocking the most well-defined cooch in the room.

Now the next option doesn’t work for everyone, but it sure works for that whiney 16-year old from Gossip Girl:

I’m not jealous of her success and beauty. It’s her massive amazing vaginal definition I’m a-hankering after.  High-waisted shorts like hers can work wonders if you too crave this. Just remember to hoist them up  and the seam that runs from front to back will do the rest for you.

5. BE A CAMEL TEASE

Whilst I’m the camel-toe’s number one fan, even I know that you can have too much of a good thing. If you see something all the time, you get used to it. Like girlfriends/boyfriends. Once you have them at your beck and call, you just don’t want them anymore. The same goes for camel toe – it’s hard to believe but there will be days when you won’t want the contours of your mons pubis (look it up) bulging through your leggings. This is where the camel tease comes in.

Now Katy Perry has never excited me. She’s just a poor imitation of my girl crush Zooey.  But by gum she went up in my estimations when I saw this:

It’s the perfect camel tease. If you were just stood chatting to her, you’d never know she was rocking some intense toe action due to her dress which is acting as a bouncer between her lady bits and unwanted attention. But as soon as she spies someone she deems worthy enough of a snatch shot, she can unleash the beast. Thanks to her iddy biddy bodycon dress and her vulva hugging underwear all she has to do is lift up her arm, which subtly lifts up her dress and OH HELLO CAMEL TOE! And all the while, she can pretend she never meant to do that. Genius. I know what I’m wearing on Friday night.

Also check out Maria Sharapova’s ‘oops there goes my flimsy skirt in the breeze’ camel tease. It’s cheeky. It’s flirty. It’s amazing. I’m in utter awe. Ladies - take note.

TOE THE LINE

So Your less cool friends might be a bit sceptical at first but they’ll be eating their words when they’re scrabbling around on the floor of Primark, scrapping with a hip 17 year old for the last pair of Katy Perry endorsed camel toe leggings. Even Marc Jacobs has been slow to pick up on it. This was him back in 2007.

But we all know come Fashion Week, he’ll have high definition vaginas trotting up and down the catwalk. So girls, join me on this camel toe thing before it becomes a massive trend.

‘Cos you’re supposed to stop wearing stuff when it becomes mainstream. But you knew that, right?