“Dear Tuvshin, My boyfriend recently started DJ-ing, he’s been playing in his bedroom for ages, ipods at house parties that kind of thing. Recently he’s getting booked at these dumb clubnights in Nottingham, full of dumb indie sluts throwing themselves at him. I can tell he really enjoys it, although he reassures me its all ok. I hate it, I don’t want be the gf by his side when he DJ’s, nor do I want to leave him to it. What do I do? Should I start DJ-ing? Should I break his hands? Stab the girls? Guide me. P.S. I’m 22, 5 10″, pierced tongue, and sex is good, (so nothing’s falling short in that dept).”

You can rest assured in the knowledge your boyfriend definitely is or will be fucking around with one of these indie sluts (despite the fact they can’t throw down). He’s a guy. But more importantly, your boyfriend sounds like the type of dude to play electro remixes from hype machine and say shit like “wait for the drop..” and make ironic hand gun gestures, the world needs more guys like him like Lady Gaga needs more nose. My advice is drop him like he’s hot and shack up with a young gun with some flavour, maybe even a fly brother who writes a Agony Uncle column who could fold you like origami.