Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl and ….oh you know the rest. And ‘the rest’ probably involves a film adaptation starring Renee Zellweger pratfalling over a baby and some sharp jawed Hugh Dancy figure in a suit jacket and chinos spewing forth ‘Hmmmfffffffsssss’ from his gently jiggling head. Roll credits. The End.
The fantasy couples in US films are amazingly terrible. It’s like they took the Diane Keaton/ Woody Allen model in ‘Annie Hall’, gutted it, filled the empty shell with marzipan and then watched its lifeless eyes glaze over as it was repeatedly played Simon Bates ‘Our Tune’ in aGuantanemo audio-torture styleee.
So who are the main offenders? And what are their main characteristics?
Jennifer Aniston
Bobble hat wearing ‘dreamer’, looks like she does Yoga and reads waaaaay too many quasi religious self help books. Possibly leaves post-it notes on her bathroom mirror that say: “You’re a beautiful, intelligent woman. OWN IT, BABES!”
If this were Grazia and I was on The Panel of You The Fashion Jury I’d say: “Looks like she could sell healing crystals on QVC at the weekend”.
Sandra Bullock
Oh Sandy! Like a saggy moob on the torso of rom com heaven, she’s been around the block for aaages. Usually plays some lovably duplicitous ditz who despite not being a looker in Hollywood terms (i.e. she’s brunette), the wrong footed male lead usually falls for her because he doesn’t know they’re secretly related or she’s actually apre-op dude.
If this were Grazia and I was on The Panel of You The Fashion Jury I’d say: “Looks like a pre-make over, FBF (funny best friend)”
Cameron Diaz
Watching Cameron Diaz in rom com is a bit like being relentlessly poked by your best friends wildly unstable older sister who’s constantly gurning into an imaginary mirror everytime she talks to you. Every line is a reason to nod over-enthusiastically and every move a reason to burst into a over-exaggerated walk.
If this were Grazia and I was on The Panel of You The Fashion Jury I’d say: “Looks like Natasha from Atomic Kitten with an over-active thyroid”
Hugh Grant
Brilliantly, Hughsey Woosy looks like he hates every single bloody moment of the film he’s making as much as we do. And has that thing behind his smile which suggests he could suddenly go ape shit apropos of nothing and break your face if you accidentally coughed. Scary.
If this were Grazia and I was on The Panel of You The Fashion Jury I’d say: “I’ll see you down at Souk on Clapham High Street at 8, ya?”
Ryan Reynolds
You really have to wonder how many blanks he had to blank to be above the title of any film. Because Ryan is unburdened with such minor concerns such as charisma and we can bet that you will never ever ever remember anything he did in any film ever. It might have something to do with him being Canadian.
If this were Grazia and I was on the The Panel of You The Fashion Jury I’d say: “Sorry did someone say something? I didn’t notice.”
Matthew McConaughey
Possibly because of his lazy Texan drawwwwwwwwl, everything he says sounds like you’re being obscenely propositioned by a hippie. Thus gets away with looking like a banker who can’t afford the repayments on his Mercedes.
If this were Grazia and I was on The Panel Of You The Fashion Jury I’d say: “Souk you say? C Y there!”