Famous people are so great. They’re human beings but with slightly nicer faces, warbly singing voices, or a past of quick fondles with Max Clifford at a press junket, their cold backs pressed against the sushi. But the best thing about them is that they were once normal humans, not special magical humans with glittery poo and glossy ankles. And, obviously, there is nothing better than finding some shaky footage of them back in the day, doing slightly embarrassing things and being grey, and normal, and desperate for that fame shiznit.
PETE DOHERTY
Back in 1997 Oasis fans were queuing round the block on Oxford Street aching to get their grubby paws on a copy of the new album, Be Here Now. Amongst the football tops and limbo-ing Manchester backs, stood a burgeoning poet, pasty in his hand, and a well-constructed metaphor twisted on his lips. Professional vox-popper Eddie Temple Morris found him by the fire exit.
I think this is pretty much conclusive evidence that Temple-Morris lit the fire of potential fandom under Pete Doherty’s crack pipe of desire. Did you see the look in his eyes when he felt the hollow recognition from the MTV production team? A warning to us all – Oasis fucks you up.
JENNIFER ANNISTON
I’m about to hit you with a hardcore truth-bomb, and you’re not going to like it. Angelina Jolie is hotter than Jennifer Anniston. I know, I know. I am a fucking bitch. I somehow managed to overlook Jen’s incredible hair, and intense portrayals of sad yet funny women in various indie films starring Paul Rudd. But come on, take off your ‘Team Anniston’ T-shirts and look at Jolie’s incredible pair of…small blonde children. She is fitter. OR SO I THOUGHT. It turns out Anniston sure can wear a bikini, and what’s more she’s being completely LOLZ at the same time. Angelina is a lot of breasts but she’s never made me laugh in real life.
BRAD FUCKED UP.
JAKE GYLLENHAAL
This is the genuine screen test Jake did for Brokeback Mounting. Or whatever that film was called. Note his sassy giggle and jaunty cowboy hat – the part was his immediately. Then [you wouldn’t like me when I’m] Ang Lee just had to wait 10 years for him to ripen. In other news I still really miss Heath, even if he didn’t chat ponies like little Jakey.
JONNY DEPP
Jonny Depp is so cool you could pack your sandwiches in him when you went for a picnic. Nothing about him is embarrassing, or awkward – if he tripped over he would still manage to look hot doing it. Even if the object he had tripped over was his own willy, which had dropped off after some penis-extension surgery that had been secretly filmed, the footage revealing that he had a pair of women’s boobs on his back and would only answer to the name, “mother cow”. In this recently discovered footage you can see where he learned to be so kewl as he gets some in-depth lessons from a mulleted chill bro in a bomber jacket . As you do.
WE SHOULD BRING MALE PONYTAILS BACK – sign the petition at:
Areyoufuckingkidding.com/theyarereallygross
DREW BARRYMORE
Newsflash: Drew Barrymore was always a pasty-faced flirt. Even at the tender age of four she was chatting up older men at their desks and coyly leaving her fake teeth next to their hairy white arms. Run VT. I am really loving the white tights/pink shoes combo, which totes amps up her cute factor, and successfully distracts you from the wire strings connected to her arms. If you listen carefully you can hear her mummy and daddy pulling them from the wings, the dollar signs glinting in their eyeballs. Sorry, I just really hate pushy parents (I’m jealous - don’t even know who of).
About twelve years later she pulled on some cowboy boots, stubbed out her casual drug habit, and got a tattoo painted on her thigh with a toothbrush. She was still pouting for daddies though, as can be seen in this trailer for ‘edgy-coming-of-age’ film, Poison Ivy. It also starred Darlene from Roseanne, or rather the actress who played Darlene. It would be weird if Roseanne was a reality TV show and Darlene was in fact a real person who took up an acting career, going from trailer trash to Hollywood lesbian roles. Actually, that would be fucking amazing. Anyway, here’s the trailer. I just love the lingering shots on her legs, and thick white sports socks – so teenage, so sexy. And so good at sweat absorption.
Really enjoyed the comment under this on You Tube from 365 Ranger:
“i would be really pissed if someone tryied to do that to me in a sec. i would get a knife and kill that bitch for killing my mom and try to be my mom.”
YEAH RANGER, YOU TELL THEM. YOU TELL THEM ALL.
BRITNEY JUSTIN AND CHRISTINA
Way before Disney stars got their baps out and posed in pink lacy pants for their robotic boyfriends from the planet Efron, there was Mickey Mouse Club. Britney still had her mental health, Christina wasn’t wearing leather chaps, and Justin was…well still really talented and so “on the rails” he was often mistaken for a fucking train. Hate you clever Justin, with your nice face and high pitched yet incredibly hetrosexual singing voice (jealous again). Here he is being a little geek (read: wearing glasses) in front of some Oscar winning performances from Britney and Christina. Meryl Streep and Judi Dench have both cited this clip as a major inspiration for their portrayals of…the Mamma Mia momma, and that lame As Time Goes By sitcom Judi starred in. You know, the one your grandparents watched holding hands and drooling on their flannel tracksuits.
STUNNING
WORDS: ELIZABETH SANKEY
