Because They Bleed On Their Hands, You See?

Every man of faith knows women are built out of some ancient chemistry lab reaction between powdered evil, spiderweb meat and pregnant dinosaur fangs, and are therefore evil and to be avoided at all costs (except, you know, via the vagina for carrying out the last step in the baby recipe). We don’t know exactly how it works yet but we’ve got our people working on the details.

What you may not also know is that when you touch a woman’s hands you turn into a homo -sexual and god just generally gets ripshit at you for like a week. Just ask Indonesian Information Minister Tifatul Sembiring, a Muslim politician who got Michelle Obama’s uterus-paws all up in his business this week when she traveled to his country to flaunt her Western sex bits all over the place like some heathen whore-daughter of a pig.

Dude’s homeboys were like “WTF? Bros before hos.” And he was like “JKLOL” and then they were like “Tape don’t lie dude,” because here’s our man shaking the shit out of her hand like he was milking a coconut.

Explain that shit Tifat (that’s what I call him):

“I tried to prevent (being touched) with my hands but Mrs. Michelle held her hands too far toward me (so) we touched, Information Minister Tifatul Sembiring told tens of thousands of followers on Twitter.

While Indonesia has the largest Muslim population in the world, the vast majority practice a moderate form of the faith. But Sembiring has flaunted his conservatism and says he avoids contact with women who are not related to him…

Sembiring has often tweeted controversial comments, including blaming natural disasters on a lack of morality and joking about AIDS.

(Associated Press)

Wellll, guess who’s got the deadly disease now, buddy? Worse than AIDS. It’s called cooties, and science has yet to develop a cure for that plague. See you in hell.

Luke O’Neil does a blog called Put That Shit On The List. Go check it.