Posts by Robert Foster

Jealousy is a terrible thing- I can’t think of anything worse than having my buzz killed by my uptight, unglamourous sister when I’m trying to have a chill day. I’m thin and you’re fat! Get over it and get back to your boring 9 to 5 life, bitch! I’m trying to do some L.I.V.I.N here.

Hi girls! I’m a boy, and as a boy in the past I’ve tried to have my way with some of you, and for that I apologise. However, it turns out loads of boys are trying to fuck you all the time, and sometimes in an underhand fashion. So I’ve written a helpful guide so you can spot when it is happening - click through and wise up!

What was this Policeman doing in Marek’s room in halls when he was at college? You’re going to have to click through to this story of heavy metal intrigue, violence and recriminations to find out.

My ‘recommended for you’ bit on Youtube is full of stuff like this. I like to watch videos about the unknown all night long when I know I’ve got a free day the next day, it reminds me that life isn’t just one vast expanse of grey interspersed with visits to the toilet.

Have you ever read ‘The Dirt’? It’s a great read. The best bit is when they’re all doing some black magic and then the lights go out and all the kitchen knives fly up and get stuck in the ceiling. There’s loads of stuff like that in the book, and it makes them sound pretty cool, but I’ve a suspicion that in fact they were just a bunch of jocks. Here’s Tommy Lee demonstrating his flying drum kit in the same way a cokehead might demonstrate Tivo to a room full of people at his own house party. Yeah, technology’s great and everything but can we just put on some music please?

It’s really cold in London at the moment and I’ve got no money, so I’ve been staying in watching a lot of movies. I’ve found some bitch stereotypes in movies that I thought I could talk about. I don’t hate women though, promz.

We’ve created a new channel on the site and I want to draw your attention to it! It’s a new way of watching lots of different kind of videos that people who like Platform might also enjoy, and we’ve called it Videodrone.

You can make fun of old guys all you want, they smell weird, they have mustaches, they wear weird trousers and they don’t know how to talk to women without patronising them. They will never understand your music, have your relaxed attitude to gay marriage or know what Serato is, but they sure know how to fix stuff and if ever a Mad Max type lawless state situation happens, these are the guys you want to have on your side.

When I get in from work I like to kick it and get on with my shit, I don’t really want to talk to anyone or deal with anything serious because that’s what work-time is for.
It sucks when some guy calls you up to talk about dramas and gets all aggy when all you want to do is take out your washing and watch TV, it’s hard to pay attention to his issues and it makes you resent them really badly for calling and ruining your night.

That thing that crazy poor parents do where they push their kids’ talents because they think it’s their ticket out of the ghetto is fucking retarded. Have you ever seen any of those weirdly good at stuff kids actually make it beyond novelty act? It never happens. Even Bow Wow is gonna be haunted by Lil Bow Wow til he dies, and he only made it cos he’s Snoop’s nephew. This fat kid is gonna be over rapping by 15, and the 9 year olds in sexy clothes who dance behind him are gonna have a pretty fucked up attitude to sex later in life.