When Crass founder Penny Rimbaud was almost killed in a motorcycle accident last year, the first thing that went through his head was, “I didn’t put my name on anything.” After he recovered, he vowed to make it clear exactly which songs were penned by Pen. This was a good move because when you don’t put your name on something, someone else does. All of Crass’s publishing went to Colin from Conflict for years – I think it still does. Thanks in part to Crass, I grew up with this naïve group mentality where it’s all about the collective and you don’t matter as an individual but fuck them apples. I got a fucking book to promote. From now on, my head farts are going to come out at Gavin_McInnes. Pinky’s are over at TVCarnage and Ricky_Martin will also be Tweeting as himself. Street_Carnage will still have Tweets about the site and other related matters so don’t stop following that but if I want to put down some darndest thing my kid said, it will no longer come out under the name Street Boners and TV Carnage.
Oh yeah, and updating what you’re doing now is lame. Twitter is a joke repository. Instead of writing bits in a notepad you might lose, you put them out into the cosmos and see how they do.
Here’s 75 fantastic quips from the Street_Carnage account I am hereby putting my name on. Ready?
1- Had bad gas for about 2 weeks now. Guess that’s a “fartnight.”
2- Have to call Gran today. Pretty sure the weather is going to come up.
3- Dear Boomers, stop saying “WWW.” It does that automatically!
4- Considering beating off but sick of pleasuring myself to videos of mentally ill people in L.A.
5- Hard to say Thanks in email without sounding sarcastic. And Thanks! looks gay.
6- Heading to Dr appt. Those guys are allergic to riffing.
7- You realize we’d all still be doing doggy style if Daryl Hannah hadn’t introduced missionary to cave men 50,000 years ago?
8- I love the guy Creed much more than the band Creed.
9- A bathroom key at a truck stop? Junkies don’t drive, you assholes.
10- If you want to make a bitch cum real hard, rub weed on her clit. Something like that.
11- I haven’t been near my TV in so long, my DVR looks like Gabourey Sidibe.
12- You think of yourself as hot shit? That’s quite an ego you got there. I like to set my sights a little higher.
13- If you see someone do a bunch of Tweets in a row, they’re drunk.
14- Holy shit! I just realized Jesus was born in Palestine.
15- No more iPod on the bike. Just accidentally sang “I can make your bed rock” to a cop.
16- Just told Gee Vaucher she is relentlessly contrarian. She disagreed.
17- Anyone who thinks Boomers don’t control the media need to check how they converted “Cougar” to “Sexy old chick.”
18- Gawd! My wife has a vacuum and a steam cleaner and a Dustbuster- it’s like “She who dies with the most toys wins.”
19- All I can remember about college is everyone talking about how tired they are.
20- I turned my DVD player off and it said “goodbye.” I’m worried it’s going to kill itself.
21- I love watching MTV. It’s like 20 minutes of entertainment crammed into 3 hours.
22- Just had a Snickers bar that was so delicious, it tasted like George Clooney’s shit.
23- The Coffee Party’s motto is “Tread on Me.”
24- New pet peeve: Dudes with suits and x-treme mountain climbing backpacks.
25- My forte is dishing it out. Taking it? Not so much.
26- The only drinking “problem” I have is being addicted to it and letting it affect my life detrimentally.
27- I hate when people say we’re lucky to be born. Is it unlucky not to be born?
28- The less people are interested in my kids, the more they expect me to care about their dog.
29- I would like to go on record as the guy that invented “Dadderall.” - Gavin McInnes
30- In airport toilet. Guy next to me involuntarily groaning after each turd.
31- Jesus Christ is he being eviscerated in there? I’m expecting him to yell FREEDOM after his last squirt like the end of Braveheart.
32- Apparently wearing socks and sandals gives you irritable bowel syndrome.
33- New t-shirt: I don’t stop for queefs.
34- Took an Adderalll to get shit done and spent an hour crafting a totally irrelevant email.
35- 35 is when a woman goes from single to unmarried.
36- Hey iPhone, when I say “shiy” I mean shit not “ahoy.”
37- Stop calling me brainless. The proper term is “absent minded.”
38- If you drink gin and you’re not from London or Compton, you’re an alcoholic.
39- Started collecting Jibbitz so when I finally do get my own Crocs, I won’t look like an asshole.
40- I can’t be positive but I’m pretty sure your baby is short.
41- A casino is a great place to meet fat people with low IQs who hate math and have a very selective memory.
42- At the Ho Chunk Casino. Just won $500 at a machine called ATM.
43- WTF is with teenage boys in gigantic shorts and sockettes with shower shoes? They look like women in prison.
44- With China at over 3,450 births a day, it’s only a matter of time before a monkey comes out typing the complete works of Shakespeare.
45- Sorry but when I meet a dad with less sons than me, I think his sperm is fags.
46- Shit, is there a Twitter app that comes with a preventative breathalyzer?
47- If you shake a can of beer hard enough it becomes filled with whup ass.
48- Want to make a Scotsman hot? Tell him how expensive it is to heat the place.
49- Uh oh, I think that fart had a trick up its sleeve. GTG.
50- Derrick and I are starting a modern dance troupe called Coconut Pleasures.
51- My only beef with visible minorities is that they’re so fucking racist. (the problem with you people is that that you’re so fucking racist)
52- Doing jokes on Twitter and hoping for retweets is like doing stand up comedy at the cancer ward of the Children’s Hospital.
53- Asked a guy why he stopped Internet dating and he goes “I got sick of fucking 5s.”
54- Why didn’t anyone tell me about The Brothers Grimm? It’s the most just slightly terrible movie I’ve ever seen.
55- What percentage of paraplegics were already lazy? (think about it)
56- I just came in my mouth a little bit.
57- I just put a gun in my mouth a little bit.
58- Rube Goldberg confirmed as set designer for Final Destination 5.
59- I love seeing trannies in sweatshirts and jeans. Wait, you’re a tomboy trapped in a man’s body-so you’re a masculine woman trapped in a man?
60- I’d never be a suicide bomber because dynamite makes me look fat.
61- Got a blow job from Roger Ebert last night that was breathtaking.
62- The only thing that would make the world hate us more is if we stopped trading with them.
63- Had an Adderall and a coffee and got in a cab. “Take me to 100 Shitcramps St. please.”
64- The most Korean name I’ve ever heard is Park Slope.
65- Nothing kills a Bedford Ave Hipster’s swagger more than visiting mom & dad.
66- Can you believe Animal House’s Otis Day is still touring? That’s like Sly Stone boxing as “Rocky.”
67- Can you believe British people eat eels?
68- Dear ladies, when you touch our balls during intercourse you are essentially hitting the fast forward button
69- I read what you said about me in your diary and I want you to take it out.
70- You didn’t notice I got my second wind because it was SBD.
71- Things grown men shouldn’t do: spa, Facebook, Tweet.
72- Went to Spa Castle in Queens. Felt as out of place as the fat chick from the Beastie Boys.
73- Computer going so slow I’m multitasking my ass off and my desktop has more windows open than a house full of farts.
74- Like the Koran, Street Boners is a book no toilet should be without.
75- A stick is just a branch that gave up.
Here’s 140 MORE
PS: The Street Boners book has 1,764 jokes in it and will take so long to get to UK stores, you might as well just buy it online.
SIMULTANEOUSLY POSTED ON STREET CARNAGE.
