“You wouldn’t survive one minute on a New York Subway,” is a damning, mean thing old school New Yorkers say to tourists to make them cry. I don’t know why they do this. It’s like they get off on NYC being the murder capital for so many years before Giuliani cleaned it up. The truth is you would survive a minute on our subway. Especially now that you have these 10 survival tips inside your life.
1 - HEADPHONES
Squinting to see the little L or R on you headphones takes too long. It also leaves you vulnerable to an attack. Instead of wasting your time with that shit, just stick them in your ears. If they feel weird, switch ‘em around. No matter how slowly you do the switcheroo, it’s still faster than finding those tiny letters.
2 - FARTS
Letting out a stinky fart on the train is now considered a terrorist attack. However, holding in a fart can tie your stomach into cripplingly painful knots. Here’s the deal: If you haven’t already had your morning shit, you cannot fart no matter what. If you have had your morning shit, then it’s all about temperature. Let the fart go towards you anal lips and hold it right at the edge to gauge its temperature. Toots above body temperature are almost always toxic so: If it’s hot, let it rot. If it’s not, blow up the spot.
3 - BAD BREATH
Really bad breath is just a facial fart. New Yorkers have been complaining about this for centuries and things got so bad recently they installed breath detectors. If you feel like your mouth may be “blowing up the spot” as it were, push this button and breathe into the detector. If the train comes to a screeching halt, yo’ breath smell.
4 - BLACK PEOPLE
White people want to be friends with black people so bad they tend to stare at them longingly and eek out a sheepish grin every time they make eye contact. Black people hate this more than racism (probably because it is racist). To avoid this gayness, pretend you hate black people’s guts. This will even out your obsequious urges and make you come out somewhere in the middle.
5 - GROPING
You will hear an announcement on the train that says, “A packed train is no excuse for sexual assault. If you feel something, say something.” This is because it’s true. If you feel like you don’t have the balls to say when someone is touching your cunt, go to the last car in the train. That’s the ladies-only car and you’ll know if you get groped there, at least it’s by somebody who knows what she’s doing.
6 - NO POT, NO ACID, NO RAP
This isn’t The Warriors anymore kiddies. You can’t smoke joints, you can’t drop acid and you most certainly CANNOT listen to loud rap music on your ghetto blaster.
7 - DON’T ASSAULT MTA WORKERS
I realize they are the laziest, stupidest, least-friendly city workers in the history of bureaucrats but you can’t assault them. It carries the same charges as kicking a police officer in the nuts which is enough prison time to make you kind of get into ass fucking.
8 - EMPTY SEAT
If there is an empty seat next to a bearded man who looks like a human hangover, do not sit there. He probably has poo in his pants and now you’re going to look like the kind of person who doesn’t like stinky people if you get up and move.
9 - ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, DON’T SIT DOWN
Unless the train is totally empty, it’s best not to even bother to sit down. It’s illegal to not give your seat to an old lady or a cripple so sitting down means constantly having to scope out the car for the less fortunate which makes you feel like Hannibal Lecter. Stand up and let the huddled masses deal with their own seats.
10 - PACK HEAT
Mayorial candidate Bernard Goetz came up with a great way to deal with violence on the train: Blow their fucking heads off. It is perfectly legal to carry a gun anywhere in America but you should carry a small one because you’re only going to use it once a year and motherfuckers can be a fucking pain to lug around. When someone tries to assault you, pull it out and start shooting. If four bullets doesn’t seem to do the trick, say something like, “You don’t look so bad, here’s another.” That will send a message to all the whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, and the sick, that you are the real rain that’s come to wash all the scum off the streets.
SIMULTANEOUSLY POSTED ON STREET CARNAGE.
