6 – LAUGHING OR EVEN SMILING I know you do this fucking thing so often, it’s like using a golf ball cleaner but can you not remind me of that by riffing like we’re at the water cooler? Don’t look at me, roll your eyes into the back of your head and faint. Oh, and that sort of “Fuck yeah, that feels good” smile is almost just as bad. I’m not fucking you with a guitar riff lady, stop grooving out.
7 – SOLO MASTURBATING ONES These reek of “Gotta pay my tuition so I’m just going to pray my brother doesn’t see it.” That’s not cutting it. You need to either go whole hog or not at all. I’m not so horny that simply seeing a naked lady (oooh, I’m so scared) is going to make me bust a nut. We’re not in Iran.
8 – HATS Am I the only person that can’t stop laughing when he hears Joe Cocker sing, “You Can Leave Your Hat On”? That’s what it’s about right? Some chick in a cowboy hat with a queer grin on her face bending over? How fucking lame can you get? High heels and lingerie emphasize a woman’s features and that’s welcome while getting a boner for a woman’s features but a fucking hat? Now the fact that it’s really sunny out is part of the boner? All other hats are equally irritating. The fedora makes us think of modern jazz. A big sun hat is just, awkward, and a beanie? A fucking beanie? What are you, cold? Combat boots and sneakers are silly but they don’t really bother us however, when you stick a motherfucking wool hat on top it becomes fucking a retard and sorry but Down’s is a downer.
9 – THAT STUPID CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL UNIFORM Call me square but I don’t want to fuck children. Even if I did, I would be so fucking bored of that stupid cliché with the socks and the Mary Janes and that plaid skirt. Fuck you. Pigtails and a lollipop? Do you have the imagination of a hot dog bun? When you see that lame-ass Halloween costume in porn you can’t help but think you’re watching a pedophile and his brain dead wife try to stop being ashamed of how old she’s become. Bitch, we want you to be old. Let your droopers swing around in circles while you get the shit fucked out of your cellulite ass.
10 – YOUR MOM WALKING IN What the-? “Oh, sorry.” As the door clicks closed, your eyes sink to the floor and you surprise yourself by contemplating finishing. “Of course not,” you reply to yourself. Then a million more questions arise. What do I do now, walk out and make a sandwich? Kill myself? Jump out the window and not come back for a few months? All those things make this horrible situation even more embarrassing. Like it or not, the only solution to this apocalyptic accident is to suck it up, walk out there and just keep telling yourself, “I’m a wanker, motherfuckers. Deal with it.”
SIMULTANEOUSLY POSTED ON STREET CARNAGE