Men and women have different genitalia. Women have fuller asses and can grow hair longer. They also get red cheeks when they’re aroused and their lips (both pussy and face) become engorged. Men tend to be stronger and have to provide for their families. The secret to looking your best is not to avoid these differences but embrace them. Men have to look kind of tough and women have to look fuckable. This means men have to basically choose one kind of a look and women have to have a variety of outfits.
If a guy is a Mod and he sees the best Lemmy boots in the world, he has to let them go. Conversely, a woman needs to collect all the mod shit and Lemmy boots she can find. Therefore, we’ve separated “Movies to Dress Like” by gender. I’ll handle the Male and my colleague here will handle the bitches.
MALES
By Gavin McInnes
Nothing snaps my heart in two like seeing some poor oaf waiting for the bus in a floor length trench coat. That look only works when you’re jumping from a building on to a moving subway with a knife in your teeth. When you try it in real life you look like a guy who doesn’t know movies aren’t real. We all agree Mad Max looks awesome with that one sleeve leather jacket but the only person who could pull a look like that off in real life would be a serial killer who only kills presidents. Here’s some movies that convey your penis without making you look like a boob.
5-BREAKING AWAY
It’s hard to look good during a heat wave. Most assholes just give up and resort to New York uniform of wife beaters, cargo shorts and flip-flops but you don’t have to. This 70s classic about a group of working class kids in Indiana contains some of the best summer uniforms of all time. Cut off (non-wigger) shorts, dirty t-shirts, hi-top Chucks with striped socks, and greasy hair. It’s all there. Now you can look tough all July without suffering from heat exhaustion.
Special Trick: If you’re too old for striped socks and Chucks, you get the same effect from ankle-length grey sport socks and blue Era Vans.
4- WARRIORS
The Orphans from Warriors is a good Spring / Fall version of the Cutters from Breaking Away. I find Built By Wendy jeans fit a lot better than the baggy shit they wear but the gross, army green t-shirts, filthy faces, and worn out white Chucks makes you look like the kindest murderer of all time. You’re not here to hurt anyone but if anyone disrespects your sister, you’re going to cut him.
3- ANIMAL HOUSE
Everyone looks fucking amazing in this movie. Stork handles being 6’ tall perfectly and the normal dudes look great with their sneakers and Letterman’s jackets but D-Day and Bluto are on some next-level shit. Bluto takes all that 60s preppy stuff but makes it slob. So you have khakis and basketball shoes with a nice collared shirt but they’re all covered in stains and he stuffed a sleeveless sweatshirt on the Polo at the last second. He’s a dirtbag preppie. What’s better than that? D-Day is bordering on one of those long-jacketed action heroes. You can’t incorporate ALL his looks. Like, if you pull out the hair do, and the moustache, and the gloves, and the vest, make the pants just normal black jeans and put something easy like Red Wings at the bottom. The secret to dressing like the movies is not biting off more than you can chew.
2- MEAN STREETS
Paris is always about four decades behind the rest of the world. When punk came out in the 70s, Mick Jones and everyone would go down there to get leather jackets and mirrored sunglasses. Know why those items were in Paris? Because they were still stuck on the Teddy Boy thing from the 60s. Similarly, the average Parisian still thinks New York is the New York that was in Mean Streets. Therefore, before you go there, you need to pack some fingerless gloves, a leather blazer and a small fedora. It makes you look like an asshole in Little Italy but in Paris you are the scariest motherfucker in the universe. If only they knew.
1- ROSEMARY’S BABY
As far as male formalwear goes, nothing beats Cassavetes in Rosemary’s Baby. From his perfectly tailored white suit (yes, a white suit) to his khakis and collared shirts under v-necks, dude is flawless. Copy three outfits from this movie and only pull them out of the closet once a month. Chicks will see them and go, “Holy shit. He’s not a cutter or an orphan or a frat reject, or a petty thief… He’s secret aristocrat.” Those last two words are Chick for “Blow job.”
All right, that’s it for dudes. I’ll let Lesley Arfin handle the broads but she better include Teri Garr in Oh God, and those 4 chicks from the ZZ Top movie Legs.
FEMALES
By Lesley Arfin
5- “LEGS,” THE ZZ TOP VIDEO
First of all, why are they being so mean to the girl in the video? Making fun of nerds was so big in the 80s. Especially in music videos (See “Fight For Your Right To Party”–which incidentally should also be on this list). Gavin wanted me to include this because when he first met his wife she was getting out of a cab with a bunch of bitchy girls and they were all dressed like this video. He told me this gave him a boner that would last for the rest of his life. I think it’s a cute look to rock in your youth but as an older woman I can’t really pull it off. Also, you need LEGGS (the extra “g” is for great legs or gangster, you choose) to work this look. I don’t have LEGGS but more like JEWISH THIGHS and so no, it doesn’t look good. (Gavin disagrees). For movie inspirado on this look, think the white suede outfit from “Can’t Buy Me Love, ” or Kelly LaBrock in “Weird Science.”
4-OH GOD!
Teri Garr works the 1970s kindergarten-chic look in this classic mediocre film. Think overalls and pigtails. Yes, both. Think vintage winter jackets and wedge boots. I love sporting this “Chrissy from Three’s Company” look but it can go dangerously wrong if you already look young to begin with, which I do. You have to make sure there’s an element of “I-know-I’m-a-grown-up-but-isn’t-this-funny-and-also-kind-of-hot?” going on. I think it’s a good once and a while, but to commit to this look everyday, you become “that girl who dresses like the 70s” and where are you gonna go from there?
3- POLTERGEIST
JoBeth Williams really captures the quintessential 80s horror movie heroine look. It’s a look that’s both sexy as well as practical. Like, “Oh this old football jersey that I wear with no pants to sleep in? What’s the big whup?” And then a ghost comes and she’s suddenly battling demons with a delicate gold ankle bracelet and extremely tan legs. This is my total summer look. Short shorts, a slim fitting shirt, and vintage Nike running sneakers. Start blow drying your hair and babysitting in order to fully live out the fantasy. Also, not wearing a bra and having your nipples poke through your t shirt helps. (See also Friday The 13th)
2-SATISFACTION
Two words people: CROP TOP! I counted 18 crop tops in the trailer alone! (Just kidding, I didn’t count, but there are a lot). I love crop tops! With old jeans! With motorcycle jackets, big Mexican skirts, mini skirts–ALL CROP TOP EVERYTHING! You can borrow a lot from this movie. Julia Roberts works the big hair up do’s and lots of little tight dresses, which always goes well for a standard hot look, but consider a more drug-addict-y approach to fashion, like Billie (my personal fave) with her bleached blond dirty hair, a CROP TOP THERMAL SHIRT, and your favorite blue jeans.
1-ANNIE
Gavin rolled his eyes when I mentioned Annie being a source of fashion inspiration, but every girl knows that sometimes “sexy” doesn’t have to be so overtly spelled out. I’m not talking about dressing like a dump-mare, I’m talking about knocking those knees together, rolling up the sleeves of your oversize flannel shirt, and blowing the bangs outta your face with your lower lip while your pouring gin in Miss Hannigan’s bathtub. I love the neutral color scheme that the orphans adopted, lots of buster browns and tea-stained whites. Throw on some union suits or wear a flannel as a mini dress. Just make sure you top it off with a cherry red cardigan. An adult dressed like a lil’ orphan from the 1930s only means one thing–TROUBLE! wink wink.
SIMULTANEOUSLY POSTED ON STREET CARNAGE.
