There’s nothing I love more than reality TV. I think about it when I’m on the toilet, I think about it while I’m having sex – hell, I even think about it while I’m watching non-reality TV shows, like Eastenders or one of those listy shows where ugly looking critics like Grace Dent talk about stuff which annoys them.
One of my favourite reality shows in recent times is ‘The Only Way is Essex’. Probably because it showcases you white people in a truly amazing and unique way. Who knew that ‘normals’ outside of the royal family were living such glamorous lives? I now realise what I can attain if I W.H.P.H.T.H. (That’s short for ‘Work hard, play hard and tan hard’, newbies).
Apart from the homo-erotic relationship between the two male leads Arg and Mark, the tip-top bestest thing about the show is the girls. I don’t know what happened to me during childhood, but in my eyes, these women are the crazy, sexy and ever so cool future of womankind. Let’s take a look at what makes them so great:
AMY CHILDS
Yup, she does look like she has a Masters degree in blow jobs and sex in the anus. And, yes, she does look a hell of a lot like Jordan, but – NOTE TO ALL GIRLS: guys still love Jordan. No matter how sleazy or irrelevant she appears to have become, every guy still carries a flame for the mentally unhinged vixen who churns out auto-biographies and has a disabled brown baby. It’s a shame that Amy’s main selling point is looking like Jordan, but that’s just the way the cookie, or in Amy’s case, the anti-septic cream that conceals her cold sores, crumbles.
BEST THINGS ABOUT AMY: Her lips and the way she talks (it makes her sound dumb and easy)
WORST THINGS ABOUT AMY: Various STI’s
LAUREN GOODGER
FUUUCK-ING HELL, WHAT A COW! DIRTY SLAAAG! Ahem, yes, Lauren is ‘the beey-otch’ of the show. She steals people’s boyfriends, kills small animals and ties the petrol-doused bodies of Asian children to the back of her sports car to drive (Zing?) the point home. Actually, I’m not really sure about that ‘boyfriend-stealing’ part, because the guy she is ‘stealing’ in the show, Mark (BOOOO!), is technically still hers. If you haven’t seen the show yet, the love triangle between Lauren, mark and the other girl with the tiny face is quite exhilarating. It’s what drives Lauren to be the cold, cunning, heartless bitch she is and that’s why I love her. Bros love the unhinged danger aspect of trying to tame bitches like Lauren. It’s fun, exciting and sexy. Bitchy women are also pretty darn amazing in the sack. It’s something to do with hormones and testosterone, I think.
BEST THINGS ABOUT LAUREN: She’s evil and sexy.
WORST THINGS ABOUT LAUREN: Clingy, possessive, evil.
NANNY PAT
Screw Mark’s sister and her lame girl band, Nanny Pat ticks all the boxes on my ‘what I dig in a woman’ list. She cooks, has a GSOH and I’m guessing she has a lot of experience in the bedroom. She’s like the ultimate cougar.
BEST THING ABOUT NANNY PAT: She can cook her ass off
WORST THINGS ABOUT NANNY PAT: A wrinkled and possibly dilapidated vagina
