HSB Brides (With Tuvshin Bolor)

I haven’t visted the new Platform office but I’m pretty sure the new place was built using only asbestos and oestrogen as raw materials (Blaise’s gotta save money for his Soya-Chai latte fund somehow right?), as it’s the only way to explain this super bitch-made email I recieved just now:

“waddup playa, seeing as the platform office has gone royal wedding crazy and we can’t WAIT to see who the designer is tomorrow, we’ve assembled a load of pics of heartstoppingly beautiful brides.You wanna write a little su’in su’in for the article to go with the pics?”

I turn around for one second and these nuccas are already going soft on me (pause/no homo).

I have to admit; I just don’t understand why the Royal wedding is such a big deal, it’s not because I’m trying to rail against the monarchy on some Goldsmiths first year politics student shit (btw I really appreciate how you guys write graffiti in the library toilets that makes me “think & stuff”). I’m just bemused because it’s just one of those rare instances that I’m ultra aware of the fact I’m an immigrant.

Yo readers, I know you mad shocked right now baby, but don’t let that distract you from picking up the knowledge I’m dropping. Being an immigrant in London is generally a piece of piss, especially if you grow up with other immigrants, you get to bond over shared experiences of third world parenting techniques like getting made to fetch the belt or being beaten with a slipper, which to English people are just harrowing memories of childhood abuse but to immigrants are the go-to topics for comedy gold. You also get to join Facebook groups like “U KNOW U GHETTO WHEN…” which are essentially bizarre games of one up manship of poorness (big up my doing the big shop at Netto crew).

But I’ll forget that London isn’t England, I’ll forget that England doesn’t know about Somalian forehead jokes and then I’ll learn about something so utterly English yet completely foreign to me, like “pea wet”, I’ll realise I don’t know as much about “Englishness” as I thought I did. I’m really confused, so are all y’all being ironic like when you pretend to be really into “The Only Way Is Essex” or are you actually into the Royal wedding? I honestly can’t tell.

Anyway, here’s some pictures of some broads in wedding dresses, to be honest Platform never really cater to my taste, they always have mad skinny bitches like they’ve never heard of thick hoes with big booties and juicy thighs but I’m sure they’re just catering to their audience or summin, I dunno. Anyway answers about the Royal wedding on a novelty seaside postcard plz.