Hi folks! It’s summer and our beloved chubby funster Robert Foster has already shown you 9 great ways you can frolic in the sunshine with your pals this summer – all set to a beautiful soundtrack. But being the turd-burgling pessimist that I am, I’m here to document 9 things you’re more likely to be doing instead – set to a super-sleazy soundtrack.
Here’s your summer in a nutshell.
Download Frittering Away Summer Party Mixtape (right click, save as)
Beres Hammond – Can’t Stop A Man
You’ll go to your friend’s free house with a couple of dudes in the afternoon, then smoke low grade hashish with a couple of Stellas whilst taking turns playing Red Dead Redemption on the X-Box… without a girl in sight. Summer 2010 is already turning into a sausage-fest. I’m not sure what the girls version of this is but I’m pretty sure it involves painting each others toe nails and experimenting. Mostly experimenting.
08. Beres Hammond – Can’t Stop a Man
Camp Lo – Luchini (A.K.A This Is It)
“Fuck! I just spent 3 hours on Facebook looking at photos of chicks/guys I’d like to have sex with. Fuck it, let me fire up some video games to just add some variety in here.”
02 Luchini (A.K.A. This Is It)
Sylvia Striplin- You Can’t Turn Me Away
Summer is all about having the house to yourself all day and trying to be as sleazy with it as possible. Booty calling bitches who are still in college when you’re in university to see if they wanna ‘hang out’ on their lunch break is the height of creepsville, but you’re going to do it anyway.
Sylvia Striplin – A3 – You Can’t Turn Me Away
Loose Ends – Choose Me
You’re an interesting person right? You have good taste in music, films, clothes and art and stuff. You should almost definitely start your own blog where you attempt to write stuff at first but just end up re-posting pictures from tumblr because you lose motivation after a week. No-one will probably visit but you’re still going to secretly hope it becomes a big deal, despite the obvious lack of quality control.
Naughty By Nature – Jamboree (ft Zhane)
If you happen to scrape together enough money to go on holiday with your team, you’ll probably end up puking up cheap shots and drunkenly nosh off a greasy waiter/fat chick that’s a friend of a friend. But at least you’ll have lots of new Facebook photos to upload so people know you don’t just spend all day at home. Alone. Masturbating. And Crying. And using your tears as lubrication.
SWV – Anything (Old Skool Radio Version feat. Wu-Tang Clan)
At least you’ll go to loads of fun club nights with your friends right? Wrong. You’ll mostly end up in places where they’ll play electro house/dubstep and you can act like you’re above it all until the DJ plays some hip-hop and you act like a bitch by being the first person to run to the dancefloor, spilling your drink all over the place as you sing all the words to ‘This Is How We Do It’.
01 – Anything (Old Skool Radio Version) ( feat. Wu-Tang Clan)
Dr Dre – XXXplosive (feat. Nate Dogg, 6Two & Kurupt)
Ever notice how novice smokers hanker for weed in the summer time? Those jokers try to become full time tokers but blazing alone kinda sucks since there’s no-one to hear your witty observations about the film you’re watching… although that’s definitely a good thing seeing as it wasn’t as hilarious as your drug addled brain thought it was.
B1 Xxplosive (with 6Two; Kurupt; Nate Dogg)
P.M Dawn – Set Adrift On Memory Bliss
You’ll definitely end up passed out drunk on the toilet of a friend’s house and in your drunken haze you can finally confront yourself with the reality that you’re actually in love with that quite mousey girl with the gummy smile. The bitch must have at least like a inch of gum but you think that’s the most adorable thing ever. Fuck it, lemme just puke and go back out there to be mean to her some more.
09 – Set Adrift On Memory Bliss
Sean Paul – Deport Dem (Bookshelf Riddim)
At any other time of the year you’d punch someone out (read: write a strongly worded email) for ever trying to sell you a can of Redstripe for £3 a pop, but at Carnival you’re just glad you found someone selling booze in a sea of dancehall tourists and rowdy youts from South London. You won’t violently dagger someone, but you’ll enjoy over priced burnt corn on the cob and really enjoy not being the one person that dies at Carnival each year.
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Well that just about wraps up this nightmarish vision of what your summer looks like. Let’s just hope this article makes you realise the existential possibilities of life – you can do anything you want at any time – and then shun them because you’re a complacent fuck like the rest of us and being fundamentally unhappy with how your life has turned out is how it should be. Oh, and don’t forget to download the mixtape and add it to your summer ‘vybz playlist’ on iTunes yo:
Download Frittering Away Summer Party Mixtape (you know the drill)
