Almost everyone likes tasting the taste of things that taste sweet – very, very fundamental.  So when Joshua “R.C.” Cola invented the Coca-Cola maker back in, let’s say 1903, as a revitalising health tonic for rheumatism and whooping cough and proceeded to add copious amounts of sweet tasty sugar to the mix, he accidentally found himself with a surprise overnight mega-hit!  Everybody liked drinking the shit back then and we continue to lap it up, to the point where now you can conveniently purchase a slew of delicious colas in sexy bottles around the whole entire wide world.

Just for an idea of how sweet this nectar gets, a seemingly anticlimactic but ultimately satisfying docudrama:

Holy SHIT that is a fuck load of sugar right?  Each can of Coke or Pepsi (or Faygo if you appreciate rapping white clowns) has eight teaspoons of sugar, which for all you slaves to the Imperial crown translates into 45 grams of the white.  So that’s insane — to the point where fat people back in the 80′s took heed, stood up, and demanded a lower calorie alternative.  The effort made them slightly out of breath, but then they flopped back onto their pleather sofas, panting heavily.

So supply needed to meet demand — the guys in the lab needed to drum up some kind of shit that tricks people into thinking they’re tasting sugar, i.e. the single component that makes soda appealing and palatable.  They concocted Diet Coke, which substitutes a preposterous amount of sugar for an equally psycho quantity of ASPARTAME. Very nice work fellows! Aspartame, which goes by the street name NutraSweet, comes directly from our friends at Monsanto (home of that terrifying grinning skeleton death man Donald Rumsfeld, ‘member him?)

Know how it got discovered? Hanh? This scientist discovered it accidentally while trying to create an anti-ulcer pharmaceutical for G.D. Searle & Company – he noticed this one combo of amino acids tasted sweet, so they just switched its FDA application from drug to food and started really pushing it.  Got it approved by the FDA amidst a blaze of controversy in 1974 despite some of their own scientists warning it to be totally unsafe. Oh well!

Now, you might have noticed that every single person who routinely drinks diet soda acts dumber, more annoying and less self-aware than real people.  They comprehend nothing, and this is without exception. Think about it, the stupidest and most brainwashed celebrities are always clutching some diet Pepsi while carrying their baby dog around, from Britney Spears to Paris to the Spice Girl with the dumb soccer husband and kids with retarded names.  Could you even name a single person who always drinks diet shit and isn’t totally brain dead?

Whoopssss, could be it’s because aspartame literally actively goes in and fucks up your damn mind!  The shit runs across your blood-brain barrier and starts hacking with a crazy tool shed hatchet until you think lip gloss sustains life.

Here and here are some much more thoroughly researched and legitimate articles on how and why it freaks yo mind frame – all credit for all cited articles goes to not-me, thank you other people for doing the annoying parts like actually researching things.

But you’re a smart ass bitch, you’ve read all the internets there are so you KNEW this shit already in your heart of hearts. “Duhhh asshole tell me something idk lolllll juggaloz 4lyfe” you’re already thinking, left hand upon face and legs crossed. But the makers of aspartame, Ajinomoto, have become fully aware of all you negative mean jerks fucking up their money train by finally figuring out it’s really, really bad for you and can even make you fatter.  Thanks to the success of “healthier” alternative sweeteners like Splenda (note: Splenda is just as shitty for you, nice try Smarty McSly!)  -  largely driven by the consumer’s totally illogical and unfounded skittishness about eating sweet neurotoxins – Ajinomoto have just decided to change their entire business model and release a 100% safe alternative that helps the planet and protects you from harm!

Sike! They just changed the name.

Now the shit’s not called Nutrasweet…it’s Aminosweet! YESSSSS no one will ever easily figure it out, hopefully a bunch of CEOs will make a skillion dollars and get sick Maseratis to do backflips into. Check how friendly and awesome their site is guys, they really know their stuff and it’s so sleek and inviting it looks like a Macbook Air jizzed out the site all by itself and then smeared it around with a Coolbrush.

So if there’s nothing to worry about why’d they bother setting up a whole internet website assuring everybody how great and natural this new and totally-not-the-same-thing “aminosweet” phenomenon is? That is some Sherlock Holmes type mystery clue shit I simply do not have the wherewithal to unravel as I’m morbidly obese from giving myself diet Shasta ritualistic enemas every time I get upset/tired.

Bye!!