The powers that be in Platform’s ivory tower tried to suppress this little column by relegating it to the fringes of the website by splitting up each problem into it’s own entity and putting them in a widget box at the side of the page, but their plan to diffuse the potency of the truth held in these posts has failed. The column is back to it’s natural state and thus we’ve struck another blow to their promotion of their reptilian agenda. Soon the ignorant masses, through this column, will learn of the mind control tactics that the powers that be behind Platform are implementing.

Think about it, Platform is 8 letters, with 2 syllables, etymologically stemming from 2 words ‘plate’ & ‘forme’, but it’s just 1 word:

8×2 = 16

16×2=32

32+1=33

AND 33 IS THE NUMBER OF THE ILLUMINATI. Coincidence? I think not.

Anyway, If you want me to spunk my pearls of truth all over your unenlightened tits then post your problems in the comments box below, on the Twitter, the Facebook or mail them to agonyuncle@readplatform.com.

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Dear uncs,

I recently took too much ketemine and ended up k holing in my friends bedroom at his party only to wake up next to a sexy whore. At the time I wasn’t sure who she was, or what was occurring, but i tried it on anyway… and she got the dick… then we sat in the garden and talked for 4 hours and smoked some joints together. She was perfect… Point is, when I got home and eventually got over the comedown I struggled to remember the name and could only remember the face. I searched facebook (reference to n dubz) and can’t find her!

How do i go about finding this peice of ass?
From Lady Gags via comments

What do black dads and my ability to give a shit have in common?

They’re both completely absent. We don’t believe you, you need more people.

 

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So, I’m thinking of dumping my boyfriend because he’s so fucking annoying and the sex is pretty shit. However, he is super nice and I’ve just moved somewhere new, so is it okay for me to stay with him for a while but secretly fuck every art student I see until I’ve settled in to my new new home? I know it sounds bad, but if you had to go finish yourself off after sex you would be thinking the same.
From Molly via email

Let me answer your question with a question. I may have stole from one of Reverend Run’s many wisdom filled tweets on twitter: Why aren’t all anal beads brown since that’s the colour they come out anyway?

 

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My boyfriend is a morphine addict and has a child his ex won’t let him see. I have to take Valium daily as withdrawal can be lethal and I can’t be ill during exams. I make random men on twitter post me money in exchange for photos of my tits. I am a sociopath and a nymphomaniac. I owe my mum £120 and can’t pay it unless I whore myself. My friends hate my boyfriend and my mum won’t let him in the house cos he left a syringe lying around. Enough problems for now.
From Anonymous via Facebook

Here’s a newsflash for ya: Everyone’s tired of your shit. I know everyone paid you lots of attention the first time you told them about the time you smashed a drug addict with a kid but that was the first time. To everyone else your relationship is just one long never ending bar story that’s really fucking boring now. Move on, get a new story, fuck a guy with cerebral palsy or something.

You don’t actually have any problems, being an over privileged white girl who seems to have confused constant drama with having some semblance of a personality is not actually a real problem.

 

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I’m studying Physics at uni at the moment, and lie on a regular basis about what degree I’m doing. In classes I get made to feel like the weird one because I don’t watch Star Trek, so I fully understand people being judgmental. Should I stop telling people I do history?
From M.M via email

Let me answer this in the style of UK rapper Giggs:

If your taking a hard test, physics better pop in your thoughts as the hardest (jheeze)

walk in the party sporting a turtle-neck, half of the crowd’s snorting nuff ket, nar that’s not me, that’s nuff wet,

drop quantum mechanics to get the punaani, chicks looking at me like ‘talk to me darling’,

all these lighties loving my particle physicists gang, they don’t know but their tryna find that big bang,

history pussy holes think they got Feynman on lock, calculus, we handle a lot,

doing a wasted degree this is not, a beautiful derivation of the Bose–Einstein distribution wouldn’t stop getting copped.

 

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I just moved to LA and dating is super-difficult here because all the girls want to fuck the rich and famous. I’ve tried internet dating, meeting girls at parties and meeting them on the TV shoots I work on, all the same. Even the fat girls here have ruffian boyfriends. How can I possibly get some poonie without going to a prostitute that has way too much dick experience?
From S.P via email

I’ve made fun of you so much I feel like I should personally thank you for all the good times you’ve given. Grow a dick faggot.

 

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yo t-shin

I have this guy friend who I really like, we made out once and get along really well and always make each other laugh and have a lot in common but he recently started dating my friend and I get realz jealous whenever we’re all hanging out and they are snuggling and shit. How do I get over him/break them up without hurting my friend?
From Anonymous via comments

He’s not fucking you for a reason. He just likes you as a friend, guys don’t want to date girls that make them laugh and can actually get along with because y’all are some busted ass bitches. We feel the need to be baggin’ hoes to brag to our friends about. You ain’t bragging material.

 

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What’s the most popular way to get my hair ‘did’ nowadays?
From Rio via Twitter

It’s probably that single bun on the top of the head shit that every single woman in the world has started rocking. It’s up there with girls shaving the sides of their heads as one of the worst fads ever. They should call that hairstyle ‘the termite’ because it’s always ruining wood. BADAM TISH BITCHES.