WORDS: GAVIN MCINNES
Making love in your brain is a very delicate act that can easily be thrown into the toilet. Here’s 10 big nonos digital ladies of the evening perpetrate on a daily (daily? millisecondy, it’s the Internet) basis.
1 - JAPANESE PORN Don’t get me wrong. If a yella’ gal was born here, I’m all over her like white on rice, but what the fuck is with Nipporn? She sounds like a mouse getting CPR. “Ah ah ah ah ah eeh…” is this your first time? Lady, I remember my first time and it sucked balls (mostly because it would never, ever, possibly, in a million years, include something as adventurous as ball-sucking). We don’t want you to sound like a tween getting raped by André the Giant. We want a fucking whore, or, more specifically: A fairly dumb and attractive woman with a dark past who has a voracious appetite for love-making.
2 – HIPSTERS Porn stars are women who got fucked by their dads. You don’t have to condone that to enjoy porn the same way you don’t have to condone Tyson’s horrible childhood to enjoy watching him fight. However, seeing the deflowering of an educated, middle-class girl with too many tattoos is everything the religious right says about porn but true. These poor girls have been duped into thinking they’re “pin-ups” and they are doing a job only someone with a mentally numb vagina should be doing. Suicide Girls and Burning Angels can convince themselves it’s empowering and they’re “owning” their sexuality or whatever bullshit they’ve been tricked into believing but the truth is, unless you’re already damaged beyond repair, working in the sex industry, in any capacity, will wreck yourself. So yeah, please don’t bring this concept to my frontal lobe when I’m trying to masturbate.
3 – A BIG, BLACK COCK I used to think it was racist to not enjoy a huge moulinyan going in and out of some lady’s vagina but then I realized, “Man, you know the P.C. pendulum has swung too far to the left when you feel bad for not beating off to black cocks.” Do blacks even want that kind of admiration? “Hey man, not only are some of my best friends black, I even beat off to you guys.” Sorry, porn is about pretending the guy on the screen is you, so if the guy isn’t a gross, old, pale, wimp, I can’t get my groove on.
4 – FAKE TITS It’s hard to avoid fake tits in porn so they’re something we just have to tolerate but that doesn’t mean we are not bummed about their ubiquity, especially when some skinny flat chick turns her profile into the letter P by gluing bowling balls to her chest. Pizza slices, ferret heads, even no tits at all are better than those fucking tumors. Who started this trend anyhow? Every guy I know feels the same way. When we see that weird seam around the nipple and the inhuman shape it holds together we think, “My dad could have those.”
5 – RAUNCHY BITCHES I know I said I’m into whores and I am. Ladies, I want you to pretend you’re totally out of control and having feelings in your area you’ve never felt before but don’t say, “That’s right motherfucker! Stuff my dirty fucking hole!” Jesus, lady, who are you, the boss of me? Let me make something clear: Porn is used by lazy people to jog memories and kick start fantasies from one’s past. I’ve never fucked Satan’s wife so stop pulling me out of it by being turning all your words into insulting diarrhea.